Thursday, February 23, 2012

Bella Goes On A Trip

Last summer I decided that Bella should be given a chance to get out of the house. I thought the perfect place to take her was on our semi annual trip to Michigan. It seemed like a harmless enough place for her to visit.

Edward, however, was not in agreement with my decision, spouting about how it was now no longer a vacation for him, knowing I would make him be the one to babysit her. And he was right. My job sucks, not his. I need more of a vacation than he does. He can be the babysitter.

The drive to Michigan is long. About 12 hours depending on traffic. We got a late start and I was starting to doze off on the last leg of the drive. So I stopped for some trusty Red Bull to keep me awake. When we got to my dad's house, I had some left over and set in on the dresser in the guest room. Well, someone found it. And this made another someone very upset.

Edward: Blue
Bella: Brown

"Ooo, look what I found!"

"Oh dear God, no!! Not the Red Bull!!"
"Oh my gosh, that was so good! I was really tired a second ago, but now I feel like I could stay up all night with you Edward!"
"I really wish you wouldn't"

It didn't take Bella very long to become very annoying. Which sucked because we were very tired from the long drive and just wanted her to be quiet. But poor Edward got the brunt of it.

"Edward! I have this much energy now!"

"We should do something really fun!"
"We should sleep."
"But you don't sleep."
"Under the circumstances, I'm willing to make an exception."
"Wait, wait. Look. I'm not touching you!"

"I'm not touching you!"

"And I'm not touching you!"

"Oh for the love of God. Never has you not touching me been annoying."
"You're so funny, Edward. Oh, hey look!"

"Uh, it's a candle."
"Yes, but it's dying."
"Candles don't die. They get burnt up."
"So do vampires. This is serious."
"Bella, you're being--"
Edward got cut off.

"Let's jump off the dresser!"
"Bella, no!"

Bella jumped anyway, and Edward had to jump, and land on the ground first, and break her fall.

"Holy hell, what did you eat today?"
"I think it's bedtime now."
"No way! Let's climb back up the dresser."

"Dammit, woman, you're giving me whiplash."

Edward followed Bella back up the dresser, but he wants me to let you know that it was only because he had to.

Things did not improve when they got back to the top.

"Look! Ghost costume!"

For the record, some of you know this, but Edward is afraid of ghosts. I don't know why. He just is. But he is not afraid of Bella in a tissue. He wanted me to tell you that, too.

"Ooooooo, I'm behind you. Are you scared?"

"No. Not even a little bit."
"Yes you are. I know you're afraid of ghosts. Why is that, anyway? You're a pansy ass, sparkly vampire who's afraid of ghosts? I don't get it. You are at the top of the food chain and no one can hurt you, but you fear ghosts. That's totally whacked. What kind of loser is afraid of something that can't even touch him? Do you realize how ridiculous you're being? You should really seek professional he--"

Bella was cut off.

Edward pushed her off the dresser. I usually don't condone such things, but her fall did make her go to sleep. Unfortunately for Edward, he had been scarred by the event.

"If you ever let her have Red Bull again I will find a form of retaliation against you that I can assure you will not be happy with."

There is no more Red Bull in the house.

During our trip, we took Bella to the beach on Lake Michigan.

Edward tried to get rid of her. But when doesn't he try to do that?

"Edward, its' getting really hard to breath."
"Yes, I know. It's supposed to be that way."
"Oh. Okay."

We went fishing for salmon and got a nice haul. We were taking pictures of our fish and Bella was curious about them. I suggested that Edward show them to her.

"That's good, Bella, but you want to slide down further than that."

"It's really slimy and smelly."
"That just means you're not down far enough. Slide down further."

After I retrieved Bella from the salmon's mouth, we went back to the house.

The previous trip to Michigan, Edward and Masen had found some trouble with my dad's cat, Shadow. Edward was hoping that maybe the cat could aid in his Bella disappearing scheme.

"Here, just hold the toy out to him, and he'll take it from you."
"This seems dangerous."
"Yes well, that's neither here nor there."
"I don't really know what that means."
"I know."

So Bella held the cat toy, offering it to Shadow.

She soon learned of the dangers of doing so.

"YES!! Good kitty. Now eat her! Before anyone else comes in here!"

But the cat really didn't care for Bella and went on his way. Bella was left feeling the aftermath.

"Did you have fun?"

"Edward, if I didn't know any better, I'd think you were trying to kill me."
"You don't know any better."
"I know you love me, right?"
"In the same way vampires love werewolves."
"I knew you loved me."
"Good for you."

Sunday, February 12, 2012

Edward Gets In A Fight

Has it been a long time? I can't recall, it's been too long.

Anyway, back in August, I was lucky to have @Team_SixPack send me a wonderful care package. Due to Edward's monotonous life of going to work and going home, he was very excited to see something new waiting at home after work. So to be kind, I let him open it.

Words of Edward: Blue

"The fact that I'm this excited is pretty sad, LwE. Take me on a trip."
"We're going to Michigan soon."
"But we've been there so many times already."
"If you don't stop complaining, I won't let you open the package."

So Edward went to the box.

But I don't think he was very impressed with its contents.

"What?! It's just a bunch of Twilight crap. Not letting me open this would have been better than letting me open it."

Edward started to pull everything out anyway. Personally, I think if he hated it so much he would have went away to leave me to do it. I think he was being a bit dramatic. Shocking, I know.

"When will you ever wear these shirts? Seriously, do you even love boys who sparkle?"
"I love you."

That shut him up, until he got to the next objects in the box

"Now I like this artist depiction of Bella. I wish she really looked like that. But I have no idea what you will do with all these books. That is way too many pictures of that guy. You so don't need those. And don't even think I'm doing that puzzle for you."
"That's fine. My husband will do it."
"Fine, I will do the puzzle."

Someone gets jealous.

Edward moved on.

"You are aware you already have one of these right?"
"Yes, you hid my camera in it."
"I thought we were past that."
"We are."
"You didn't have to bring it up."
"I was just trying to say that I wouldn't forget since...."
I didn't get to finish.

"Surprise!" (New Edward will be red. The one in the blue shirt doesn't say anything because the pea coat one seems controlling and doesn't let him speak. They have a strange dynamic.)
"Oh come the heck on! More? This has gotten so far out of control. Send them back."
"No. They are staying. They need a new home."
"Since when did we become an Edward orphanage?"
"Uh, since the day I brought you home. Now be nice. It's more people to watch Bella."
"Welcome home, guys. I hope you'll like it here."

The Edwards kindly greet each other and Edward helps them get settled. But I'm not so sure Edward will get along as well with these two as he does his other brothers.

"Thank you for your hospitality. Here are my instructions as per my last human. Please follow them accordingly."
"You come with instructions?"
"Yes, it's to make sure I'm properly taken care of."
"Ha! It's a fend for yourself kind of place here. There are 8 more of us in this house, too. Don't expect special treatment."
"I require lots of special treatment, so you will have to make some changes."
"Ok, I will take the instructions and discuss them with my human."

Edward did approach me later with the piece of paper telling me that it was garbage and to throw it away.

"Alright, Mr. High&Mighty, that's your new name, by the way, what else do you have?"

Mr. H&M, my shortened version of Edward's name, and his friend gather the goodies in the box to show Edward.

"Wow, that's exactly the kind of stuff we don't need around here. My human will love it."
"Now when is our next trip?"
"I'm sorry, what?"
"I was told that we would be traveling."
"Uh, we'll be going to the bank tomorrow."
"The bank? That simply won't do. I require extensive travel. It's in the instructions, you need to read them. I've been all over Europe already, and wish to see more of the world. You'll need to make flight arrangements as soon as possible"
"Well, since you have already been all over Europe, you should feel satisfied and get over yourself."
"I'm losing patience with you and your attitude. Can you at least direct me to where you all feed? It's been a long trip."
"Oh, absolutely."

I don't think Edward is happy with Mr. H&M.

"There you go. Just for you. I hope this is exotic enough for you."
"It's a toad!"
"Oh, you smart, too. Yes, it is a toad. Good job."
"Don't patronize me, just direct me to something warm blooded."
"You have a sense of smell, you should be able to hunt something down yourself. We all do."
"I would prefer to have my meals brought to me."
"I'm beginning to see why your human sent you away."

What happened next could have been avoided. You see, if Edward had just read the instructions like he was supposed to, he probably would not have set Mr. H&M off. Well, yeah, he probably would have.

Mr. H&M has a deformity. He lost some hair in a beach accident, and is very sensitive about it. The instructions say not to talk about his bald spot.

"And she probably sent you away because of that nasty hole in your head."

And that was all it took to set off Mr. H&M. He's all refined, pompous socialite one second, but mention the hair and he goes all Hulk. He gave Edward a pretty good beating. I didn't get a chance to take any pictures of it because I had to try to break up the fight before someone was dismembered. Mr. H&M was relentless. I think Edward might actually be a bit afraid of him now. He, however, is trying to talk Bella into asking Mr. H&M about his hair.