Sunday, February 12, 2012

Edward Gets In A Fight

Has it been a long time? I can't recall, it's been too long.

Anyway, back in August, I was lucky to have @Team_SixPack send me a wonderful care package. Due to Edward's monotonous life of going to work and going home, he was very excited to see something new waiting at home after work. So to be kind, I let him open it.

Words of Edward: Blue

"The fact that I'm this excited is pretty sad, LwE. Take me on a trip."
"We're going to Michigan soon."
"But we've been there so many times already."
"If you don't stop complaining, I won't let you open the package."

So Edward went to the box.

But I don't think he was very impressed with its contents.

"What?! It's just a bunch of Twilight crap. Not letting me open this would have been better than letting me open it."

Edward started to pull everything out anyway. Personally, I think if he hated it so much he would have went away to leave me to do it. I think he was being a bit dramatic. Shocking, I know.

"When will you ever wear these shirts? Seriously, do you even love boys who sparkle?"
"I love you."

That shut him up, until he got to the next objects in the box

"Now I like this artist depiction of Bella. I wish she really looked like that. But I have no idea what you will do with all these books. That is way too many pictures of that guy. You so don't need those. And don't even think I'm doing that puzzle for you."
"That's fine. My husband will do it."
"Fine, I will do the puzzle."

Someone gets jealous.

Edward moved on.

"You are aware you already have one of these right?"
"Yes, you hid my camera in it."
"I thought we were past that."
"We are."
"You didn't have to bring it up."
"I was just trying to say that I wouldn't forget since...."
I didn't get to finish.

"Surprise!" (New Edward will be red. The one in the blue shirt doesn't say anything because the pea coat one seems controlling and doesn't let him speak. They have a strange dynamic.)
"Oh come the heck on! More? This has gotten so far out of control. Send them back."
"No. They are staying. They need a new home."
"Since when did we become an Edward orphanage?"
"Uh, since the day I brought you home. Now be nice. It's more people to watch Bella."
"Welcome home, guys. I hope you'll like it here."

The Edwards kindly greet each other and Edward helps them get settled. But I'm not so sure Edward will get along as well with these two as he does his other brothers.

"Thank you for your hospitality. Here are my instructions as per my last human. Please follow them accordingly."
"You come with instructions?"
"Yes, it's to make sure I'm properly taken care of."
"Ha! It's a fend for yourself kind of place here. There are 8 more of us in this house, too. Don't expect special treatment."
"I require lots of special treatment, so you will have to make some changes."
"Ok, I will take the instructions and discuss them with my human."

Edward did approach me later with the piece of paper telling me that it was garbage and to throw it away.

"Alright, Mr. High&Mighty, that's your new name, by the way, what else do you have?"

Mr. H&M, my shortened version of Edward's name, and his friend gather the goodies in the box to show Edward.

"Wow, that's exactly the kind of stuff we don't need around here. My human will love it."
"Now when is our next trip?"
"I'm sorry, what?"
"I was told that we would be traveling."
"Uh, we'll be going to the bank tomorrow."
"The bank? That simply won't do. I require extensive travel. It's in the instructions, you need to read them. I've been all over Europe already, and wish to see more of the world. You'll need to make flight arrangements as soon as possible"
"Well, since you have already been all over Europe, you should feel satisfied and get over yourself."
"I'm losing patience with you and your attitude. Can you at least direct me to where you all feed? It's been a long trip."
"Oh, absolutely."

I don't think Edward is happy with Mr. H&M.

"There you go. Just for you. I hope this is exotic enough for you."
"It's a toad!"
"Oh, you smart, too. Yes, it is a toad. Good job."
"Don't patronize me, just direct me to something warm blooded."
"You have a sense of smell, you should be able to hunt something down yourself. We all do."
"I would prefer to have my meals brought to me."
"I'm beginning to see why your human sent you away."

What happened next could have been avoided. You see, if Edward had just read the instructions like he was supposed to, he probably would not have set Mr. H&M off. Well, yeah, he probably would have.

Mr. H&M has a deformity. He lost some hair in a beach accident, and is very sensitive about it. The instructions say not to talk about his bald spot.

"And she probably sent you away because of that nasty hole in your head."

And that was all it took to set off Mr. H&M. He's all refined, pompous socialite one second, but mention the hair and he goes all Hulk. He gave Edward a pretty good beating. I didn't get a chance to take any pictures of it because I had to try to break up the fight before someone was dismembered. Mr. H&M was relentless. I think Edward might actually be a bit afraid of him now. He, however, is trying to talk Bella into asking Mr. H&M about his hair.


TheRugbymom said...

Love it!

Poor Edward. I get it that he doesn't like having to share your affections with all of these dopplegangers. He has the patience of a saint to put up with all the stray Edwards you keep bringing home!

TwitardedMom said...

Too funny. I love the Edward orphanage line & giving him a toad to feed on.

Snarkier Than You said...

It's been way too long! Glad that Team Six Pack was able to hook you up... Not sure I could part with my Twilighty gear, but then I have admitted recently to being a bit of a hoarder.

p.s. it also makes me feel better as a fellow procrastinator that you are just now writing about a package you received in august. not kidding. so thanks for that. : )

TwiKiwiFifty said...

Welcome back, Edward!

You know, if you want to go on a trip, I suggest NEw Zealand. It's beautiful at this time of the year.

And Kiwi Ed would love to party with you, I'm sure. We have some great wildlife here, no chipmunks!

MrsKassieCullen said...

I don't care how long it's been I'm just glad you're back!!

I came on here recently and read a few of your posts to my niece and nephew. I avoided any of the more 'adult' topics. They especially loved when Jacob became a chipmunk!

Musing Bella said...

Poor Edward. Mr. H&M seems like a handful.

Tkegl said...

Mr. H&M should try the Hair Club for Men... or maybe a bronze Sharpie. :-0

Living with Edward said...

Thanks for all the comment love, guys!

I am a huge procrastinator, STY. I'm just commenting back now. And my next post will contain pics that were taken last June :/