Friday, February 18, 2011

I Came Close To Kicking Edward Out

Today was a beautiful day and it's about damn time, too.  It was about 54 degrees and it felt like spring time.  I decided to take advantage of this, because it's not supposed to last, and took my dog, Derek, for a much needed walk.  We both really needed to get out of the house, so today was a blessing.  If you are unfalmiliar with Derek, this is him.

Isn't he adorable?  Well, today's walk did not turn out to be the smartest thing ever.  See his furry coat in that picture?  That is Derek's summer cut.  In the winter I keep it it's full length, so his coat is pretty long.  For some reason, every year, I forget that this is a horrible time to walk the dog.  The ground is all wet and amazingly dirty because of the snow melting and all the mud and pebbles that get thrown every where from shoveling and plowing.  Derek was a complete mess when I got home.  There was so much stuff tangled in his fur and he was all black undernethe.  It was really gross and he needed a full grooming, which I hate doing because it takes HOURSSS. 

When I got home, Edward heard my distress.  He has been so good lately and helping out a lot.  But tonight, he really wanted to step up, so he offered to groom the dog for me!!  I was soooo happy.  I have been trying to get him to do that for months. I thanked him profusely then went about my business making dinner.

A couple hours later, I was wondering what was taking Edward so long. He should be able to groom the dog faster than me. I started to get a bit concerned so I went looking for him and Derek. I went into the bathroom to see if they were still in there and this is the scene I found.

This would appear normal with the grooming supplies but there are a few things there that really concerned me. First is the multiple sets of scissors.

Then the full basket of discarded Derek fur!

And then this??!!!

This could not be good. What the hell did Edward do? I heard the sound of the blow dryer coming from the bedroom so I went to investigate. I just about jumped out of my skin with what I found.

"EDWARD!! What the hell did you do?"
"I groomed the dog for you. Why are you so upset?"
"Where is his coat?! His fur is supposed to be long! If you cut the top coat down, it doesn't grow back! And he's purple!! Why the hell is he purple?!"
"Calm down. It's okay."
"How is it okay? You purpled my dog! And gave him a mohawk!"
"I thought you would like that. You always say you want your hair pink but can't have it because of your job. So I thought you could enjoy it on your dog. I gave him purple instead, because he is a boy."
"Edward, you have really crossed a line here. I have put up with a lot of crap from you but unacceptable beyond words."
"This is worse than when I tried to starve him?"
"We both know that he tried to starve me first. That's not the point. Before you kick me out of the house, look at him a moment."

"He clearly looks great.  You don't have to deal with constantly brushing his long coat and it won't get dirty outside. It's completely functional, love."

"And the purple mohawk adds a bit of character so that he doesn't just have to have boring short hair. He looks fun and edgy. You love fun and edgy."
"Edward, you can't just do these things with out my permission. You really should have asked me if I wanted a dog with a purple mohawk. Pomeranians are supposed to have nice long fluffy coats. Not purple mohawks."
"I'm sorry. I really thought you would like it. You have to see that he does look pretty cool."
"He does look cute."

So I now have a pomeranian with a purple mohawk.  I think he kind of looks like a dragon.

Then something occured to me.

"Edward, where did you get purple hair dye?"
"Oh, I ordered it off the internet."
"And whose credit card did you use for that?"
"Yours, of course. I'm not going to pay for your dog's grooming supplies."

That did it. He was so not going to get away with that, now."

"You purpled my dog with hair dye that you bought with my money that I didn't even want?! You are so being punished for this. Your punishment is that you have to spend the rest of the night zipped up in my little purse with Bella. You can not come out until I get you out. So you better pray to everything that is holy that I don't forget to let you out to take you with me to work in the morning or you're going to be in for a long day."
"No. Please.  Anything but that.  I love you and I'm sorry. I'm so so sorry. I beg you."
"Not gonna work, Edward."

So this is where Edward is spending the night.

"Edward, I'm so glad we get the night together. We are going to snuggle all night long and you are going to tell me how much you love me and tell me how pretty I am all night, too."
"That's not going to happen. I don't like to lie."
"Well there are other things we can do that don't involve talking."
"Oh god, no. Help! Help me!!  LwE, I'm sorry,love! Please let me out! I'll never purple the dog again!"
"Would you calm down, Edward? I meant sleeping. I will need to sleep."
"Oh. Okay, I can deal with that."
"And kissing!"
"Oh hell."


AllTwiedUp said...

Holy. Shit. I'm dying over here! Poor little (adorable) Derek! I freakin LOVE the purple mohawk, it's amazing! Bwahahahah!

Smitten said...

LMFAO!!!! Hilarious!

Derek looks soooooooo cute. I love it! And trust me, if someone told me they dyed their dog purple and gave them a mohawk I'd think they were nuts, but seeing it, it totally works! And he seems to be preening, so must enjoy it also.

And I Flove Edward's attitude towards Bella! ;)

Jayla said...

ROTFLMAO~ well Derek does look cute!

Dangrdafne said...

The picture of Derek and Edward together - I swear Derek is doing his best "I'm too sexy for this mohawk" look. He looks soooo happy. And the pictures after you say he looks like a dragon, he is soooo cute.

Poor Edward though - all night stuck with Bella - I would be shocked if he were ever bad again! Wow.

rottymama said...

OMG! I was cracking up the whole time reading this.

And for some weird reason, I believe that Mini Edward did this. LOL!

Derek does look cute with purple. That's one of my favorite colors.

RobzSinger said...

i love derek's do! is there anything edward isn't good at? ;)

i bet you had a lot of fun putting this post together!

Honolulu Girl-Suz said...

What kind of dog is Derek? Is it the breed, awesomeness? Because he's a whole a lot of awesomeness!!

Jaymes805 said...

HAHAHAHAHA AWWWW POOR DEREK. Thats horrible but he looks SO cute!

I knew Edward was up to something, he's been way too nice lately.

TheRugbymom said...

FINALLY! I was thinking that you were never going to post again! Look, if you're going to have so many addictions [FFn, Twitter, Tumbler, & insanely intense physical workouts], you have to learn to balance them, bb. Please don't leave me hanging so long next time!

I know you've already given up sleep [because you're on Twitter all night], but maybe you can squeeze in some time for Mr. E, too. Did you consider that maybe Edward did this to get your attention? [Well, if he did that sure backfired on him! I don't think he wanted attention from PsychoBitch!]

I think Derek looks a lot like a dragon! Thanks to Edward, he is sporting a totally radical doo - can we call him Rude Dog now?

That tongue makes me giggle EVERY TIME I see a picture of Derek! He is so adorable - no wonder Edward is jealous.

norcaltwitard said...

LMFAO!!!!!! This is the 1st time I've read ur blog & I get to see the awesome purple mohawk pomeranian. EPIC!!! I think all poms should have a purple mohawk by Mini E :)

KG said...

i heart Derek! he is soooo cute! and he looks badass with a mohawk!

Mrs. P @ TwiBite said...

What?!?!?! A purple Mohawk on the dog????? LMAO!!!!!! Oh god...I'm dying.
Poor Edward in the LITTLE purse. So medieval.
Well, since we know that Edwards jacket doesn't come off, they didn't get past first base. Phew...

Syze14Dream said...

This time Edward has really crossed the line! Derek doesn't seem to mind tooo much tho. So cute! You are so creative!!!

Musing Bella said...

First of all, I'm kind of shocked that Mrs P doesn't know you can get way past first base without removing clothes.

Now, Derek. OME! He's the cutest ever and I love the mohawk! The picture of him working it and looking over his shoulder killed me - I love the way his little tongue is constantly hanging out. He looks fabulous.

edwardsisobel said...

Wow it really is a purple mohawked pomeranian. Priceless. Derek is adorable. Hmmm Edward was quite enjoying his hairdresser role....

Your post made me smile. Thank you.

TongueTwied said...

HAH!! OME it's been too long!!! Derek is the cutest dog! And Edward gets himself in more trouble!

But ya know...this could be a new profession. You and Edward could start a TwiMobile Dog Grooming Business!!! After seeing those pictures who wouldn't want their dog to sport a purple mohawk?

Rob's hand monkey said...

I think PETA needs to have a word with EDWARD!!! LMAO!!!!

17foreverlisa said...

You know what I got out of this post? Bella got to sleep with Edward. Finally. *HAPPY DANCE*

(He's going to be so pissed at me, isn't he?)

Seriously. I cannot believe you did that to Derek and that it turned out as cute as it did. He is adorbs, just like you.

I'm sorry I was so late getting over to read this.



TwiKiwi50 said...

I have no idea how I missed this post!

I am laughing so loud - the neighbours will come over shortly to see what's going on.

Derek has purple hair?? Brilliant!

Edward, you naughty, naughty boy.

Trixie and Tess said...

Oh hell.

Bwahahahahahaha...that cracks me up. Edward is so bad. Purpling the dog and using your CC without your permission?!

The dog looks adorable!! LOL. I love how he just poses with Edward. It's hilarious!


Snarkier Than You said...

omg your dog is ADORABLE with the purple mohawk! i think edward found his true calling here...

robsbeanie said...

This is so late from when you first posted but I am dying right now! So funny!
1st I love Derek and want to hug him very badly.
2nd Edward while he didn't ask permission to do what he did, Derek does look pretty bad ass. I think Derek is truly rocking the mowhawk.
Edward, everything you do is magic!

Pomeranians rule said...

Lol! Cute Pomeranian! My two male Poms get shaved.
Here they are: