Friday, February 18, 2011

I Came Close To Kicking Edward Out

Today was a beautiful day and it's about damn time, too.  It was about 54 degrees and it felt like spring time.  I decided to take advantage of this, because it's not supposed to last, and took my dog, Derek, for a much needed walk.  We both really needed to get out of the house, so today was a blessing.  If you are unfalmiliar with Derek, this is him.

Isn't he adorable?  Well, today's walk did not turn out to be the smartest thing ever.  See his furry coat in that picture?  That is Derek's summer cut.  In the winter I keep it it's full length, so his coat is pretty long.  For some reason, every year, I forget that this is a horrible time to walk the dog.  The ground is all wet and amazingly dirty because of the snow melting and all the mud and pebbles that get thrown every where from shoveling and plowing.  Derek was a complete mess when I got home.  There was so much stuff tangled in his fur and he was all black undernethe.  It was really gross and he needed a full grooming, which I hate doing because it takes HOURSSS. 

When I got home, Edward heard my distress.  He has been so good lately and helping out a lot.  But tonight, he really wanted to step up, so he offered to groom the dog for me!!  I was soooo happy.  I have been trying to get him to do that for months. I thanked him profusely then went about my business making dinner.

A couple hours later, I was wondering what was taking Edward so long. He should be able to groom the dog faster than me. I started to get a bit concerned so I went looking for him and Derek. I went into the bathroom to see if they were still in there and this is the scene I found.

This would appear normal with the grooming supplies but there are a few things there that really concerned me. First is the multiple sets of scissors.

Then the full basket of discarded Derek fur!

And then this??!!!

This could not be good. What the hell did Edward do? I heard the sound of the blow dryer coming from the bedroom so I went to investigate. I just about jumped out of my skin with what I found.

"EDWARD!! What the hell did you do?"
"I groomed the dog for you. Why are you so upset?"
"Where is his coat?! His fur is supposed to be long! If you cut the top coat down, it doesn't grow back! And he's purple!! Why the hell is he purple?!"
"Calm down. It's okay."
"How is it okay? You purpled my dog! And gave him a mohawk!"
"I thought you would like that. You always say you want your hair pink but can't have it because of your job. So I thought you could enjoy it on your dog. I gave him purple instead, because he is a boy."
"Edward, you have really crossed a line here. I have put up with a lot of crap from you but unacceptable beyond words."
"This is worse than when I tried to starve him?"
"We both know that he tried to starve me first. That's not the point. Before you kick me out of the house, look at him a moment."

"He clearly looks great.  You don't have to deal with constantly brushing his long coat and it won't get dirty outside. It's completely functional, love."

"And the purple mohawk adds a bit of character so that he doesn't just have to have boring short hair. He looks fun and edgy. You love fun and edgy."
"Edward, you can't just do these things with out my permission. You really should have asked me if I wanted a dog with a purple mohawk. Pomeranians are supposed to have nice long fluffy coats. Not purple mohawks."
"I'm sorry. I really thought you would like it. You have to see that he does look pretty cool."
"He does look cute."

So I now have a pomeranian with a purple mohawk.  I think he kind of looks like a dragon.

Then something occured to me.

"Edward, where did you get purple hair dye?"
"Oh, I ordered it off the internet."
"And whose credit card did you use for that?"
"Yours, of course. I'm not going to pay for your dog's grooming supplies."

That did it. He was so not going to get away with that, now."

"You purpled my dog with hair dye that you bought with my money that I didn't even want?! You are so being punished for this. Your punishment is that you have to spend the rest of the night zipped up in my little purse with Bella. You can not come out until I get you out. So you better pray to everything that is holy that I don't forget to let you out to take you with me to work in the morning or you're going to be in for a long day."
"No. Please.  Anything but that.  I love you and I'm sorry. I'm so so sorry. I beg you."
"Not gonna work, Edward."

So this is where Edward is spending the night.

"Edward, I'm so glad we get the night together. We are going to snuggle all night long and you are going to tell me how much you love me and tell me how pretty I am all night, too."
"That's not going to happen. I don't like to lie."
"Well there are other things we can do that don't involve talking."
"Oh god, no. Help! Help me!!  LwE, I'm sorry,love! Please let me out! I'll never purple the dog again!"
"Would you calm down, Edward? I meant sleeping. I will need to sleep."
"Oh. Okay, I can deal with that."
"And kissing!"
"Oh hell."