Monday, March 22, 2010

No One Hurts Alice And Gets Away With It.....Not Even Edward

*Warning! This post contains graphic gratuitous plastic vampire violence. It's content may not be suitable for some readers. Keep reading at your own risk!!*

So something very unexpected happened today. At first I thought that it was a pleasant surprise, but then things got ugly. I have never screamed in terror so much, and have never been so scared for Edward's well being and safety. This incident makes Edward's voyeuristic stack of money stalker seem like child's play. It all started with a knock at the door......

Words of Edward in blue.
Words of Jasper in green.
Words of me in pink.
Hopefully rainbow text helps you follow along.

When I opened the door, I got excited that Edward had a visitor. He could use that kind of thing right now with everything going on, but then I got the feeling that something wasn't right. Here is what happened.

"Oh, hello there Jasper. It's so nice to finally meet you."
"Yes, like wise. Where is Edward?" His tone made me feel suspicious and a bit protective. I had a feeling that this wasn't a friendly visit. Jasper did not seem happy about being here. But then suddenly I was no longer concerned and felt completely at ease with the whole situation. I couldn't wait to get Edward so that he would be involved in the fun too. My emotions usually aren't so erratic like that. Weird. So I called for him.

"Edward! Your incredibly happy super fun brother is here to see you!" Edward came running down the stairs excitedly then faced his brother in the doorway.

"You hurt Alice! Now I'm going to hurt you."
"Uh oh." Edward quickly turned and ran from Jasper attempting escape.

However, unfortunately, Jasper's anger only fueled his strength and he caught up to Edward in seconds. He held no mercy for his superbly coiffed brother. In fact, I think there also may have been some hair envy rage coming out of Jasper too. He was able to incapacitate Edward very quickly.

But Edward is not to be underestimated. He used Jasper's anger as a distraction and quickly pinned him against the wall.

Hmm...This reminds me of a certain scene taking place in a certain ballet studio in a certain movie. Can't quite put my finger on it. Oh, well. Maybe it will come to me later. Anyway, Jasper was able to evade Edward's wall pinning maneuver and get in a really good backhand to the face.

It sent Edward flying into the wall!

This is where I started to get really scared. I pleaded with Jasper. "Please don't hurt him! Stop!" As you can see, I was in a panic. But Jasper was intent on completing his mission. "He has to learn!" I screamed in horror when Jasper had Edward by the throat again. I couldn't stand to watch, but I couldn't take my eyes away.


Just when things were looking really bad for Edward, he mustered up the strength to escape Jasper's hold and launch his own offense. But is he doing what I think he's doing????

"No, Edward! Don't do it!"
But I was too late. I started to hear a high pitched keening sound like metal tearing arpart.....er..I mean plastic being broken. Then a vampy cry of pain.


"Aaahhhhh! Ooooowwww! What the hell is wrong with you, Edward? You can't just keep ripping off everyones arm!"
"You were going to rip my head off!!"
"That's neither hear nor there, Edward."
"What?" But Jasper didn't answer. He reached for his arm, grabbed it out of Edward's grasp....
......and started beating Edward with it incessantly. Jasper hit Edward over and over, again and again...

And again...

And again....
Until Edward couldn't take anymore of Jasper's beating.

Edward admitted his defeat and surrendered. "I'm sorry, I'm sorry! I already apologized to Alice. There is no more need for this torture!"
"You won't do this again?!"
"No. I don't want to rip off anyones arm. It just happens. You guys should really write to Neca about your structural integrity." That earned Edward another wap with the arm. "Ow! I won't do it again! I promise." Jasper seemed to be appeased by this statement and the fact that he just gave Edward a gargantuan ass kicking. Edward got up from the floor and proceeded to help Jasper reattach his arm just like he did for Alice.
After that the brothers took some time talking and catching up on things. All seemed to be forgiven on both sides as they continued their laughing and witty banter. You would never know that they were killing each other just a minute ago. I started to feel concerned that maybe they are bi polar or something. But then, all of a sudden, I felt completely confident about both of their mental states and was very happy that they both worked out their differences. It's a really good day. Wow, my emotions are all over the place today. Strange.


Edward then convinced Jasper to go on hunting trip promising that the chipmunk and squirrel population is choice. Jasper jumped at the idea and the boys quickly made a bet to see who could get the biggest chipmunk. I wished them good luck as they ran off out the back door toward the fields and trees behind the house. But before they made it off the deck they were greeted by someone else was coming back inside.


"Aw. What a cute Pomeranian."
Edward sighs deeply. "Yeah. That's Derek."
"Wait. This is the thing you thought was a werewolf?! Seriously?"
Edward hangs head in embarrassment. "Yeah."
Jasper looks from Edward to Derek and back to Edward. "Dumb ass."

Friday, March 19, 2010

Incognito

Edward's stalker has been making more appearances in most places that Edward goes. The creature has not shown any signs of aggression or malice, it just stares at Edward. Therefore, Edward has decided that the stalker is completely harmless but is outrageously annoying. He can't stand it. Edward dreads leaving the house now. He just doesn't want to have to deal with the gawking. So Edward and I put our heads together to try to come up with a way that could give Edward some peace of mind about going out in public again. Maybe if he just wasn't so recognizable. If only he could at least change his coat. Hmmmmm........Then Edward had an idea. He ran to my dresser, pulled out an old t-shirt, found a sewing kit and scissors, and brought it all back to me. I asked him what he wanted me to do with it. He said, "Make me a hoodie!" very excitedly. He thought he was really onto something. I was apprehensive about it because I have never made any kind of clothing before. I'm lucky I can reattach a button. Edward didn't care. "It doesn't have to be perfect. In fact, it will be better if it looks like something I wouldn't wear. It can look goofy." Edward reassured me and 3 attempts and countless hours afterward, I finished the hoodie and had Edward try it on.

He slipped it over his head and looked at himself in the mirror, for a little too long might I add, and seemed pleased with the results, even though it is one of the ugliest effing hoodies ever. I think it looks more like a short Jedi robe. Hmm..maybe that's why Edward likes it. I asked Edward if he thinks it will work at disguising his true identity from the stalker. "Unfortunately, there is only one way to find out." So off to work we went to test Edward's idea.

When we first got there, Edward was still very cautious of being disclosed so took a few minutes to just peek around a bit.

Once he was a bit more comfortable, he started to experiment with exposing himself a tad more.

Then he decided to really put himself out there and leave the purse completely, but someone wanted to tag along. "No, Vlad. Stay here. I still don't know exactly how dangerous this is."

Vlad was disappointed but obediently listened to Edward and stayed put on the purse. Edward then started experimenting with different locations in the building. It was obvious he still wasn't very comfortable. I couldn't even find him at first. I didn't think to look in the tissue box.
He then tried blending in with the rubber bands and coin wrappers. After all, vampires are supposed to be masters of their environment.


Here he is imitating some highlighters.


A drawer is always a good hiding spot.


After about 5 hours of the stalker being a no show, Edward decided to really test his theory and come out of hiding.

He stood here for a bit then decided that he was still feeling a bit uncomfortable right in front of the window so he moved a bit out of the way to somewhere tad more concealed but still out in the open.


Edward spent the whole day like this. Every once in a while he would move and try a new spot. At the end of the day he was very happy because the stalker didn't show up. Edward's disguise worked better than he thought it would. Now, that Edward is feeling a bit more safe and triumphant, he is formulating his plan to capture and dispose of the harassing creature. (Edward wrings his hands together with evil laughter)

Sunday, March 14, 2010

Edward Has a Stalker

I have some news that may be disturbing to some of you. I know Edward is not the happiest little vamp in town at the moment. You see, there have been some strange occurrences the past few weeks that at first I thought may be just coincidental but now have proven to possibly be a serious threat to Edward. Someone, or should I say something, is following Edward and watching him very closely. The scariest part for Edward is that he can't hear the mind of this creature, well because it has no mind, so it can easily sneak up on him without giving any notice of any kind. At this point Edward is completely unsure of what to do. He doesn't want to revert back to his old ways and just destroy the creature especially without being sure of it's motives first. Let me show you what exactly I am talking about.

The first occurrence happened at work. I asked Edward if he could please get me a roll of pennies out of my coin vault. He happily went to get it, but when he opened the door there was a very unexpected visitor.

I heard Edward's frightened gasp and came over to see what shocked him so much, after all that is something that never happens. Edward asked me what it was. I told him that I had no idea. He took a moment to think about how to proceed then went into the coin vault very quickly, grabbed the roll of pennies, then with lightening speed ran out and slammed the door. Edward was very happy to come out unscathed.

The second "visitation" happened about a week later. Edward was at church with me, minding his own business adjusting the EQ settings on the sound board. Edward has a very good ear when it comes to sound settings. Anyway, while Edward was adjusting some of the vocal levels he noticed someone watching him.
"You again? How did you get here? How did you know I would be here?" Of course, Edward got no answer from the mysterious creature who seems to be some kind of strange voyeur. It stayed, watching Edward, for a few more minutes until it disappeared while Edward wasn't looking. Edward then scoured the whole church looking for where it went but found no evidence of it's presence anywhere. This is where Edward started to feel concerned about the situation.
A few days later, we were at the cafe inside Wegman's grocery store. When I sat down to eat I let Edward out of my purse to walk around a bit. After a few minutes of Edward's vampy chit chat he hopped on the window ledge next to our booth and quickly hid behind a corner.
"Gah! He's back! How does he keep showing up like this? What do you want from me?!" Again, Edward received no answer from the stack of money with the penetrating gaze. Edward started to get scared. I have never seen him actually frightened before. It broke my heart to see hm that way so I grabbed my sub sandwich, scooped up Edward and got him the hell out of there. He was very appreciative of my heroics.
Then the emails started. Edward's inbox was bombarded with messages discussing the differences between full tort and limited tort car insurance. Edward was very perturbed by these emails. "I don't even have a car!" Some of the emails were a bit more aggressive and harassing saying things like I'm watching you, and I know you are trying to hide from me and it won't work. Edward quickly changed his email address and reset all his passwords.
This past week I took my car to get an oil change. Since I don't trust too many mechanics the one I go to is about 20 miles away from my home. When Edward and I walked into the lobby of the shop there was someone already there waiting for him.
"Look! He followed me all the way to Emmaus!" I immediately opened my purse and told Edward to get in so that he didn't have to fall victim to his stalker's scare tactics. Edward didn't waste any time climbing in. However he did give me some instruction. "Stare at him intimidatingly." I did as Edward asked and periodically gave the stalker angry glares hoping to communicate that he better not mess with my vampire.
Edward's paranoia has sky rocketed. He has become very clingy and refuses to be left alone except for when he has to hunt, which has been more often. At least the stalker has not shown up at our house or Edward would probably have us move immediately. At one point Edward tried to convince me to change car insurance holders. I told him absolutely not. That I was very happy with my provider and if my insurance was the problem then the thing would be stalking me not him. He agreed that that was probably correct. Edward has been living in fear for the past month and it is completely heartbreaking. I wish there was something I could do to resolve this problem.

Friday, March 5, 2010

Edward's Intervention

I was finally able to track down someone who Edward may listen to. I don't even want to go into the details of what it took to get this someone here, but I will say I'm a trooper. The actual intervention itself didn't go as well as planned but did reach a peaceful conclusion, thankfully. I was able to keep from Edward what was going to happen with a certain someone who was coming to visit. He was just excited that this person was coming and couldn't wait to see them. Edward had no clue that a vampire intervention was about to ensue. Here is how it went down.

(A knock at the door. Edward goes running with excitement.)

Edward: blue
Alice: pink

"Alice!! It's been far too long. It's so good to see you! Please, come in."
"It's good to see you too! I knew you would be happy to see me."
"Of course you did."
It was a very happy reunion filled with kind words and a warm embrace. Both Edward and Alice talked for a bit, catching up on news of the family and any other antics that were worth sharing. But then the suspision started.


"Alice, why are you singing Bohemian Rhapsody in the voice of Kermit the Frog in your head?"

"We need to talk."
"What's wrong? Is it Carlisle?"
"No. Neca hasn't decided to make him yet. I'm not sure that I want them to. I don't know how much more I can handle of them butchering up the looks of everyone in our family."
"Oh, right."
"Did you see Jasper yet?"
"No."
"You don't want to. And that's coming from me! And they have Rosalie coming out soon."
"Oh dear God." Edward takes a thoughtful pause. "You're stalling. What do you want to talk to me about?"
"Your behaviour here. It is completly unacceptable. Do you have any idea what you are doing to that poor girl. She thinks you are insane. And all she does is try to appease you and look out for your needs. You are really being a jerk and it needs to stop."
"You think I need to stop?! Have you seen the big stinking werewolf she has me living with?"
"It's only big to you, Edward. And it's not a werewolf." This is where things start to go downhill.
"Grrrr. You speak of things you know nothing about. I have been living here for six months. Don't you tell me that he is not a werewolf. I have been doing nothing but good around here. I have been trying to keep that girl safe from the mongrel."
"Don't you growl at me, Edward Cullen! Derek is not a werewolf, he is a pomeranian, you doof. And you don't need to protect anyone from him. He doesn't even have teeth, for crying out loud. And did you know that he has been here for six years before you came along? Doesn't that tell you anything?"
"Yes. It tells me that the human is very lucky. But, while I'm here, I will not take any chances. You should know better. He is your arch enemy, too."
"No he isn't. Sorry, I don't have any vendettas with fluffy, dainty, little purse dogs. Obviously they have offended you some how."
"Now your going to mock me?! I won't stand for that! If the reason you came here was to cause me disrespect, then you can leave. I don't need this!"
"Well the human doesn't need you acting like a nuerotic crazy person. She can't even trust you alone with her dog. You steel his food! That's animal abuse!"
"Animal abuse? What about vampire abuse? That dog tried to starve me first!"
"Edward, you need to watch more Animal Planet!"
"Grrrrrr. What I need is for you to leave me alone!" Then all hell broke loose......er...well, Alice's arm broke loose.
"AAAHHHHH! Edward! Ooooowwwww! It hurts! It hurts!"

"Why would you do that?!"
"Alice! Oh for the love of all that is holy! What did I do? I'm so sorry! I didn't mean to. I don't know what came over me. I....I....."
"Stop rambling and put it back!! Now!"
"Ok, here you go."

"I am so sorry, Alice. I didn't mean to hurt you. I don't know what happened. I feel so ashamed. I can't even look at you. I'm a monster."

"I know you didn't mean it, Edward. This whole situation has you so tightly wound. You need to calm down and face the facts. Derek is just a dog. Do you know how I know? I can see him. In my visions. I see him clearly. And I can see you when you are with him. Don't you think that if I saw you disappear six months ago, I would have come sooner to help you?"

"Wait. You can see him?"
"Yep."
"And you have been able to see him this whole time?"
"Yes."
"So he really isn't a werewolf then?"
"Nope."
"Huh...........Why didn't you tell me that part in the beginning? We could have skipped over the whole arm ripping debacle?!"
"Ooops. Hey, I never said my visions were infalable."
"No kidding. So, now how do I fix this?"
"Uh uh. You're not getting off that easy. You need to figure that out for yourself."
"Is this one of those times that you want me to learn something and achieve some kind of self improvement?"
"Of course."
"Dammit, Alice. This is my life, not an after school special."
"Well, maybe you should have watched some more and then you would know what to do."
"Grrrrrr........"
And with that Alice and Edward said there goodbyes and Alice promised to visit again soon. I left Edward alone after that so he could think about all that was said and done. A few times he came to me to see what I was doing but was very casual and never stayed in the room long. Then finally, when I went to my room to go to bed he was waiting for me on my dresser. I've never seen him look so pathetic, but in a good way.
"I'm sorry for the way I have acted towards you and your wer....dog. I know you love Derek very much and that he is a very good....dog. I promise to not harm him in any way and to no longer hold any disgust for him."
Do you pinky swear, Edward?
"Pinky swear? That really isn't a legally binding agreement.............um......yes......I pinky swear."
And with that Edward and I basically started over. He agreed to let loose more and really try to finally enjoy himself. I was really happy to hear that. I told him that I want him to be happy and to enjoy living here. He said that he would like that to. Hmmmm....this really is ending like an after school special, isn't it. Well, I better quit here before we hug it out Danny Tanner style. Until next time.

Tuesday, March 2, 2010

Edward Has Gone Too Far

Edward was a very bad vamp this week. I just don't know what to do anymore. I am so nice to him. I take him places with me. I got him a pet, that he adores by the way. I make sure that he is well entertained with movies and reading material and fun activities. Not to mention sometimes staying up too late to spend time with him so he isn't bored as long while everyone is asleep. And what do I get in return? Edward trying to kill my dog!!! Maybe kill is a bit strong of a word. Perhaps create a strong physical discomfort while also causing high fatigue and irratic behaviour. However, if left alone would result in death...........at some point. Ok, I'll just explain it.

The other day, I was going through my normal routine of getting ready to leave. I gave Derek his food in the kitchen and went back upstairs to get my things. When I came back down, I found this!

This is Edward throwing Derek's food away in the trash! I was so angry. And then Edward had the audacity to get angry. It was not pretty. Here is the gist of our little throw down minus the lewd name calling and momma bashing.

Me: "Edward, why the hell are you throwing away Derek's food?!"

Edward: "If he won't let me eat, I won't let him eat!"

Me: "Derek won't let you eat? The 6 pound pomeranian with no teeth and an incredible amount of apathy won't let the vampire eat?"

Edward: "No, the werewolf who would much rather the vampire die won't let me eat."

Me: " Ughh. How did Derek not let you eat?"

Edward: "Well, the other day, you were taking a nap and that thing wanted to go outside, so I thought to be nice to you, I would let him out for you. I accompanied him outside because if you would have gotten up and saw me inside and the werewolf outside alone, I know you would have been suspicous and just started yelling at me. While outside, I saw a squirrel in the yard and decided that it would be a good time to feed, save me a trip later. So, I prepared myself to lunge and then the werewolf saw the squirrel and went after it first and chased it away! He deliberatly chased away my food. He is trying to starve me! Therefore, an eye for and eye."

Me: "Edward, first of all, Derek is NOT A WEREWOLF!! Second of all, dogs like to chase squirrels. Didn't you watch the movie "Up"? You need to stop all of this. It is completely insane! Derek is just a dog. Give it up already."

Edward: "The only reason you don't think Derek is a werewolf is because a fictional dog chased a fictional squirrel in a movie?"

This put me totally over the edge. I was livid.

Me: "Edward, you will not do anything to cause any kind of harm or discomfort of any kind to Derek ever again!! If you do, there will be enormous consequenses to bear. Now go get in my purse so we can leave for work or I will rip off your head and set it on fire so that your body will have to endure eternity searching the earth for a head that doesn't exist!!"

Edward took my threat seriously and complied. He has been very quiet since then. I don't know if he is still scheming or is just too scared to say anything to anger me so he doesn't have to live a headless life. I'm at my wits end dealing with him. I'm pretty sure he is done listening to me about Derek being just a dog. However, I think I know just the person he might listen to......