Saturday, September 18, 2010

Cupcakes Are Messy

Some of my past posts have shown that Edward can be quite the little helper. He does so much for me at work. Granted it is to keep himself from getting bored and to try to keep me appeased so I don't flip out on him, because my work place has the tendency to make me Splode. And if he doesn't want to get the brunt of my Splodyness, then he knows to do a little work.

Anyway, Edward has been looking for new ways that he can be a help to me. Since I work at a bank and basically sit on my ass all day, I have gained some poundage in the past couple years. Edward knows how sad it makes me to not fit into my jeans and other loved clothing items, so he has tried a new tactic in helping me get back into my skinny jeans. I don't know how productive it will be or how well he will be able to execute this plan as he is not quite designed for such a task. You see, Edward has decided that I am way too infatuated with sweets and to stop me from eating them, he is going to eat them before I get to them.

One day, when I was out with Dangrdafne and DangrDonna, my FOOORRRKSS traveling buddies, I really had a craving for a Red Velvet cupcake. Well we eventually went to this market and they had them!! I was so excited. I bought it and took it home for later consumption. Then at home, when I got it out, I made a comment saying "Wow, I really shouldn't eat this." That is where Edward took things into his own hands. Literally.

"Don't worry love, I will take care of it for you. With my help, you will be back into those size sevens in no time."

Edward was really excited to help me and really went for it. However, Edward really overestimated his ability to complete this task.

"Edward! What did you do?"

"Oh god, help me. It hurts. What was I thinking?"
"Are you feeling okay?"
"Nooooo. I think I'm going to die."
"Edward, you are already dead."
"I think I'm going to die again."
"Well, you are a mess. Let's at least get you cleaned up."
"Give me a few minutes. I can't move."

So basically Edward did an impression of me on Thanksgiving and glutted himself. His plan to aid my weight loss goals may not be the smartest he has come up with.

After Edward recuperated, I suggested that he clean himself off. He laid on the bed for quite some time so the cupcake and icing had all dried to him. Getting it cleaned off was not going to be easy. I suggested a bath to Edward. He was not happy about it. I think a bath made him feel a bit emasculated. So I took him to the bathroom to show him how messy he was.

"Holy monkey nuggets!! That is a lot of cupcake! Draw the damn bath."

So I did. I turned on the water in the sink, pulled up the stopper and got the soap.

"Uh, it's pomegranate mango scented soap."
"Yes, well, I'm all out of the manly I just rolled in the mud, beating up all my friends, and then drank a six pack scented soap. Sorry."
I have no patience for his ego. So in the soap went and we filled up the sink.

After the sink was full, Edward was very apprehensive about getting in.

"'s a bubble bath."
"It's not intentionally a bubble bath. It's just the soap. That's what happens to soap when you put it in running water. It gets bubbly."
"'s sill a bubble bath."
"It's a soap bath. It's just soap. You need it. That cake and icing is dried to you. Water alone won't get it off."
"Um.....but...there's bubbles."
"What is wrong with the bubbles?"
"What's right with the bubbles?"
So I shoved him in the sink.

"That was mean."

Edward then scrubbed all the cake and icing off very quickly, hating the smell of it on him. After he was clean, though, he did decide to enjoy some of the more recreational aspects of the water.
Here he is swimming.

Edward even does the back stroke.

And then he reprimanded me.

"Would you stop taking pictures of my bath time. It's really creepy."
Then Edward decided to just relax and enjoy the warm water for a while.

"You aren't going to stop, are you?"
"You know the answer to that question. Inquiring minds want to know."
After a while Edward finally extracted himself from the bubbles.

"I may have forgotten to rinse."
"Yeah? What was your first clue?"
"You are really snarky today."
"And what was your first clue to that?"
Edward may be losing patience with me. I think there is a statement about karma that can be inserted here.
After Edward rinsed himself off, he decided to shake himself dry.

"You know Edward, that is how dogs dry themselves."
Edward then opted for the towel.

Monday, September 13, 2010

The Search Has Been Called Off

As you know, the Edwards have been given the task of looking for Bella after she went missing about two months ago. If you are unaware of this then peruse July 7th's post and you will see. Anyway, the search for Bella has not gone well at all. The last time Edward and EC saw her she had lost the Edward decoy in the woods and she left to get Edward a glass of water. The Edwards searched for weeks and found nothing. Not even the decoy. Since the boys did put forth their best effort, I did decide to take them off punishment and allow them their entertainments again. They were relieved to be able to watch TV and movies, and play video games again.

We all decided to call off the search for Bella. It was clear that if eight Edwards couldn't find her in two months, then they never were. There was much cheering and a huge celebration when I gave in to that decision. The boys are very happy being Bella free. They have digressed to there normal banter and shenanigans.

Words of Edward will be in BLUE. Other Edwards will be in the typical grey. It should not be too challenging to follow along. If it is may I suggest some Dr. Suess for you? I will give you more rainbow text guides later in the post when more characters arrive.

Here, Masen is talking with Newdward and Eddie.

"All I'm saying is that clearly, Cap'n Crunch is a really freaky spokes person for a cereal. First of all, he is a captain of a cereal for crying out loud, and he is majorly deformed."
"How so?"
"His eyebrows are on his hat!!"
"That's true. That is pretty freaky."
"That's what I'm trying to say!"

Yeah, they have really deep conversations.

Here is Cullen, Anthony, and Ed playing some kind of toss and keep away game. I'm not really sure about the specifics of it.

Edward and EC came and disrupted the others' fun when they were allowed to watch movies again.
"Hey guys! EC and I want to watch a movie. You wanna watch it with us?"

"17 Again!! I love that movie!"
"Me too!"
"I totally wish I was Zac Efron!"
"Hey, we should make a movie called 17 Still."
The boys laughed hysterically at this comment for a good eight minutes.
"Hey EC, what is with you and Zac Efron having matching outfits?"
"Shut up."
The Edwards then all went to the basement to watch their movie and there was much rejoicing.

I can't tell you how happy they have been since the search was called off and Bella has been out of the house. She really does put a damper on their happiness.
But something happened tonight to completely change the dynamic of the happy attitudes of the Edwards.
While I was making dinner, there was a knock on the back door. Edward went to get it.

"Son of a !"

Rainbow text guide: Victoria-RED Bella-BROWN Alice-PINK Jasper-GREEN

"Edward! I missed you!"
"What are you doing here, Victoria?"
"I have a couple of things that belong to you."
"That is where you are wrong."
"Oh? How so?"
"You only have one thing that belongs to me. And I will be taking it back now."

"Are you not concerned about your human?"
" particularly."
"Edward, this is my new friend, Vickie. She said that she would help me find you again. And she did. Isn't that great?"
"Oh, yes. I'm so grateful, I could just bite her head off."
"Oh Edward you are so silly."
"Yep, I'm a hoot. So......I guess I'll see you later."
"Wait, you are not going to try to fight me for her?"
"Why would I do that?"
"Well, because I'm a danger to her and will only drink her. Does that not upset you? It is supposed to upset you."
"Nope, I'm good."
"Uh....well, you can have her back."
"No please, keep her."
"I really don't want to. She is remarkably irritating."
"Trust me, I know. Really, you can keep her."
"Oh, I couldn't. That is way to generous of you. I can't possibly accept."
"But you must. I insist. My gift to you for bringing back my decoy."
"Well...if you insist. I am thirsty. This really doesn't bother you?"
"Not at all. You are doing me a huge favor."
"Hm. Well, thank you. I guess, my dinner and I will be on our way."
"Have a good evening. Please feel free to come visit again."
"Oh Edward, you are so kind."
"Well, I really owe you one."
"I'll remember that."
With that, Victoria went to leave with dinner, I mean Bella. But Edward should have known that getting rid of Bella would not be so easy.

"Nooooo! Stop!"

"Edward, you can't send Bella away with Victoria! What were you thinking?!"
"I was thinking about all the peace it would bring me."
"Edward! You are so selfish. What would Carlisle say?"
Edward then hung his head in shame at the mention of Carlisle. Victoria was distracted enough for Alice and Jasper to make a move to save Bella.

"Quick, close the door!"
"I'm on it, baby!"

Alice got Bella inside, while Jasper was quickly closing the door on Victoria. However, he was not quick enough for Victoria's escape tactics.

She made it into the house just before it closed, and then hid from the other vampires.
"We are going to have to find her."
"She poses no immediate threat. We just have to keep an eye on Bella."
"Oh, shut up, Edward. You are such an ass."
Alice, Jasper, and Edward then took a very clingy Bella to the rest of the crew to let them know what happened.
"Hey guys, look who's back?"

"Jasper! Hey man!"
"What's up my brother?"
"Good to see you again."
"No, not Jasper."
"Oh, hey, the decoy is back!"
"I missed that thing."
"I'm so glad it's safe!"
"Ugh! Idiots! Bella is back you freaks."
"Aww man."
"Seriously? I thought we were done with the whole Bella thing."
"Wait. Today is September 13th. She came back on her birthday? Crap, now we have to get her a present."
"I'm moving."
"No one is going anywhere. Victoria is in the house and we need to keep Bella safe from her."
"Sweet! Vampire hide and seek!"
With that, the crew went on their mission, although they thought it was more of a game.
Since everyone left in such a hurry, Edward was left with Bella. He was clearly not happy about the arrangement.

"Edward, it's still my birthday. Can I ask one thing?"

"Oh dear god."
"Can you take me to Red Robin? I got an email for a free birthday burger."
"Oh...yeah, sure...I guess."
"Then you can kiss me."
"Oh hell."

Sunday, September 5, 2010

It Is Always Important To Know That Edward Is A Vampire

This past Friday was my nephew's 3rd birthday and his party was at my brother's house. A couple of my family members were there and some of my sister in law's. It was a fun little shindig complete with cake, presents, and lemonade. I'm sure you have all been to some kind of birthday party, so I don't need to elaborate on the details.

Needless to say, Edward came along because, you know he goes everywhere. Edward thought I would find it funny if he pretended to be obsessed with the cupcakes.

"Mine!" He's so silly. Next he'll tell me he wants a tattoo.

Then Edward got a bit upset about something he found in the kitchen.

"What is this?! This is supposed to be a party for children!"
"That is why it is up on the fridge, Edward. The kids can't find it there. They are too small."
"Love, have you seen how tall I am? I had no problem finding it."
I did not answer him. It seemed a futile argument.

At some point during the night my nephew and his 4 year old cousin were chasing each other through the kitchen. They would catch each other and then poke the other with some little toys they were holding and start chasing each other again. It was at this point that I noticed the toys they were carrying and was instantly brought to a point of nostalgia. I recognized the little action figures they were playing with as toys that I have not seen in YEEEEAARRRSS. I could not believe my eyes. I asked them if I could see what they had and I was floored. My brother had kept all of our old G.I. Joes and most of our Ninja Turtles from when we were kids. My sister in law then told me where I could find the rest. So off I went to the toy room to look through a lot of my childhood toys. I was so excited! My husband was also excited to see some of the same toys he had as a kid too. Edward however, was a bit jealous. He does not like to be reminded of a time when my affections belonged to other action figures. When he came into the room to see what the big fuss what about, it turned out that the G.I. Joes and Ninja Turtles were not to fond of him either. They did not trust him and saw him as dangerous and immediately staged an attack. Edward was not having it. The first G.I. Joe to make a move was immediately thwarted by Edward.

This angered the rest of them and more came after Edward. They did not expect the strength they encountered with what they called "that pea coat wearing pansy". That angered Edward.

Sergent Slaughter was no match for Edward. "I wasn't impressed with you in the 80's and I'm not impressed with you now!"

Neither was that reptile looking guy. Then Edward was met with a new adversary.

"Your kidding me, right? A turtle? Come on now."

Shredder quickly joined the onslaught.

"Ok, the shirtless dude is kind of creepy. I don't like the way he's looking at me."

Some of the other action figures quickly had Edward surrounded.

Edward had finally had enough of their threatening and dropped the G.I. Joes and turned on the Ninja Turtle figures and the Star Wars Pez.

"I don't care if she cared about you all at one time! She is my human now!"
Edward went on a rampage! He had no mercy for his attackers.

He had them defeated in a matter of seconds. However, he didn't have it in him to destroy Yoda. He said that Yoda holds way too much wisdom and should not be destroyed. He is way too valuable.

Edward did however take revenge on the rest of the G.I. Joes and Ninja Turtles. It was an absolute massacre.

Look at all that destruction. Sometimes I forget what Edward is capable of. It was a sad day in the toy room. I am going to miss all those little guys. But they did attack Edward, and that does piss me off. So they had it coming.

Later that night Edward made a comment to me about the violent event.
"You know, it's true what they say. Knowing is half the battle. It's just too bad that they didn't know I was a vampire."