Wednesday, July 7, 2010

Bad Things Happen To Thirsty Vamps

Parts of this post may not make sense to you if you haven't read the Finally, My Surprise For Edward post.

So today was a bit different. This morning was the first time Edward was not completely prepared to leave for work. He was supposed to go hunting this morning but he didn't and wouldn't tell me why. I was even running late and he still wasn't ready. Then he had the nerve to ask me to wait another 10 minutes while he went in search of the closest chipmunk. I told him "No way! You had all night and this morning. Now get in the purse and let's go. You are just going to have to wait until we get home."
"But love, you work until 5:15 today."
"I am very aware of my schedule for today, thank you."

So off to work I went with a cranky thirsty vamp. This should be interesting. Now, I have a general rule that Edward is not allowed to hunt during work hours. There are trees and such behind the building but there is too much traffic and back yards for Edward to get caught in. So he must stay inside or with me at all times. Edward was not fond of this rule today and tried very desperately to get me to change my mind. But I was not going to budge. After some attempted persuasion, Edward ripped up all this paper in a thirsty angry rage and tried another approach.

Edward tried to pull the pathetic look out and try something a bit more subtle, but would still get his point across. It almost looked like one of those commercials where they want you send like five cents a day to feed a starving child. I told Edward to get a Styrofoam cup and ask my co-workers for change. I got a big kick out of that ........ he didn't. But he kept up with his plan. He made sure he was in places that I would see him or he would be in the way. Right in front of my computer is a good annoying spot.

Covering up the money would certainly get my attention.

Blocking the path to my cell phone is extremely noticeable.

Then Edward thought it would be a good idea to not let me be able to answer the work phone. This didn't really bother me though, because the people that call usually have a stupid inane question, and if I don't answer the phone someone else will.

So I didn't care, and Edward went to new places. He's looking especially pathetic here. I almost feel bad.

Almost. He even kept up waving his freak flag in the car on my way to Dunkin Donuts during my lunch break.

He was absolutely relentless. But I couldn't just let him win, I need to stand by my principals! If I give in to this, who knows what other stunts he would try to pull. So I decided to talk with Edward about the situation and see if he could be brought to reason.
"Edward, you know the rules. You had plenty of time to hunt before work."
"But I'm miserable. It burns. You don't understand."
"Why didn't you go before we left?"
".....I was busy."
"Doing what?"
"Fine, I'll tell you. I was ordering something off the internet. Please don't ask me anymore about it. It's personal."
This answer concerned me a bit. Usually when people order "personal" things off the internet, they are a bit risque.
"Oh no! Nothing like that, I swear! Get your head out of the gutter. You know me better than that."
I'm so glad he read my mind there. That is so not a conversation I wanted to have. I still told Edward no on the hunting issue and to wait until we got home. He was still not happy with that answer and kept up with his picketing.
This was on my lunch break and all I wanted to do was eat my chicken Parmesan flat bread sandwich and unwind from the craziness, but that is really hard to do when the craziness waving tiny post it notes in your face. I had finally had it with Edward's antics and gave him something for "the burn". I passed him my strawberry vanilla coolata.

"Here Edward, it's a nice cold, burn reducing drink, and it's red. Knock yourself out."
Edward was not amused. He wrote a new sign.

Edward kept this up all day only to find his efforts futile. He was soooo relieved when we finally got home. He ran through the house carelessly, looking for EC to go hunting with him and forgetting that EC was on babysitting duty. "EC, I'm thirsty! Let's go!"

"Edward! You came back!"

"Gah!" Edward, in his haste to quench his thirst completely forgot about Bella being in the house and that EC was home, disguised in the hoodie, making sure she was safe while playing with the wolf puppies. Bella wasted no time in getting close to her vampy love. Neither did the puppy, Seth.

"Aww, Edward it's so cute that Seth always hugs your leg like that. How come you never hug me like that with such enthusiasm?"
"Oh, dear god."
"Don't leave me again, okay?" Bella then snuggled up to a very confused and uncomfortable Edward.
"I was screaming in my head for you to not come in here. Why didn't you hear me?"
"I am so freakin thirsty, I can't concentrate! Now what the hell is she talking about me coming back? She had the decoy when I left this morning."
"Yeah, she lost it."
"What?! How did she loose it?"
"I think she lost it outside in the woods."
"What was she doing out in the woods?! Doesn't she know that Victoria is still after her? And why did you let her out there unsupervised?"
"Um, no, she doesn't. And she said that she was going to go take a nap, so I went to go order something off the internet. When I went to look for her, I found her out in a tree jumping up and down on a branch saying, "I'm a spider monkey, I'm a spider monkey!" I have no idea what that was all about."
"Man, that girl is fifty shades of f**ked up."
"Tell me about it. After I found her, I went to put on the hoodie, then made her come inside. She has been playing with the wolf puppies since. She keeps telling them not to worry, that Daddy will come back."
Edward shudders in repulsion. "So the hoodie is keeping you disguised well then?"
"Real well. She actually thinks I'm a Volturi Guard. Demitri to be exact. She keeps asking me to track you."
"She thinks you're Demitri? You know she thinks Demitri is gay, right?"
"Dammit! It's the hair, isn't it?"
"I don't know, could be the skinny jeans."
Not paying attention to the Edwards' conversation, Bella recalls Edward saying that he is thirsty.
"Edward, I'm going to go get you a glass of water."
"Yea, you do that." As Bella was walking out the door, Edward kicked the wolf puppy off his leg and the boys found a more humorous place for the "I'm thirsty" sign. They shared quite a few laughs.
After Bella was gone, Edward decided how he wanted to quench his thirst.

"No Edward! You can't drink the puppy!"
"But he is so irritating! I must be rid of him."
"Stop! Do you know how mad the human is going to be if you do that? She'll chase you around the house with a Zippo."
"You're right. Fine." Edward lovingly places Seth back on the floor.
"Can we at least figure out how to get him to stop humping my leg?"
"Maybe we can get some of that dog repellent stuff."
"I'm a vampire. How much more dog repellent could I need? And speaking of being a vampire, I need to go hunting, now."
With that, the boys set off to the back yard for some chipmunk biting. When they returned two hours later, Edward was much more relaxed. He suggested a fun game of poker for himself and EC.
"I can see your cards, you know."
"Not if I close my eyes."
"But I still know what they are."
"Your mom knows what they are."
"Ha ha, your mom."
"Alright, Demitri, are you in, or do you fold?"
"Oh, I am so in. You know, I still can't believe Bella thinks I'm Demitri when I have this hoodie on."
"Oh my god!! Bella!"
"Where is she?! She left to get you water hours ago!"
Edward and EC ran out of the room so fast in search for Bella. They returned about an hour later looking for me.
"LwE, Edward has something he needs to tell you."
"Promise me you won't be mad at me?"
"You know there is no way in hell I can ever promise that Edward."
"Okay, um....well....we kind of....uh......lost Bella."
"WHAT?!! How did you loose her?"
"We don't know, she just disappeared."
"I thought you were watching her."
"We were, then she left to get me water and never came back."
"Why would she get you water? Never mind, don't answer that. You two better find her and fast. I can't believe this. No more internet, movies, TV, or video games for either of you until you find her!"
"Aw man."
Edward and EC left the room and started down the hall to continue their search for Bella. I have no clue how two vampires can loose one stupid human. Unless they lost her on purpose, which I probably couldn't really blame them for.


Mrs. P @ TwiBite said...

ROFLMAO!!! Oh god...poor Edward hanging out at the bank with his burning thirst. Poor guy.
Loved the hoodie on "Demitri"...poor Bella is so Dopey. Where did she go????
Edward looks riddled with guilt in this last shot.

KG said...

i snort laughed so many times reading this. hilarious!

TongueTwied said...

Why oh why do I get so caught up in these fictional, errr, fictional characters?

Your posts wouldn't be the same without a "your mom" joke!

don't be too hard on Edward. When he said he wanted to go to work with you everyday he thought you meant you worked at a blood bank. ;)

Musing Bella said...

LMAO - your posts are like a picture-book fan fic. I love them. Poor Edward looked so sad by the pneumatic tube at the bank. And I Love that we now have a mystery! Where did Bella go? Maybe she found the decoy and ran off. I can't wait to see!

Jayla said...

Thank you for another helious webisode... these are my two favorite lines
"Man, that girl is fifty shades of f**ked up." and "She'll chase you around the house with a Zippo."

Trixie and Tess said...

This absolutely cracks me up!!! I love all of the "I'm Thirsty" pics.

True story, I lost my PE in the movie theater on the night of Eclipse. I made them open it back up so I could search for him. I was freaking out in the parking lot when I went for my keys and realized that he was missing. It was very scary. We could have had a travesty on our hands, but fortunately when I went back in, there he was hiding under my seat. Whew.

I knew you would appreciate that story. :)


Living with Edward said...

@Mrs.P: Poor Edward? Poor me for having to deal with it. LOL

@KG: I hope you didn't hurt yourself.

@Tongue Twied: Everything is better with a your mom joke. I'm glad that Edward is getting the hang of them. I think Edward would go insane if I worked at a blood bank.

@Musing Bella: It's so funny that you mention the fan fic, b/c as I was doing this I was thinking to myself that "Hmm, I feel like I'm doing fan fic" So your comment made me laugh at myself. Time will tell what has happened to Bella.

@Jayla: You are most welcome. I hope everyone gets where I got the fifty shades line from. ;)

@Tess: Your story actually had me in a bit of a panic as I was reading it! LOL Until I read the last part I was thinking to myself "I hope she found it, I hope she found it" I'm so glad you got him back. I would have been devistated if that happened to me.

Dangrdafne said...

The I'm Thirsty pictures were killing me - tooooo funny!!

Oh my goodness if you had lost Edward, I would have searched everywhere for him for you. You can not lose him. We would all cry. @Tess I am so glad you found yours too. So scary!

My niece saw my Mini-E in my purse and called him "that vampire". She thinks I am crazy, I told her she was right LOL!!!

Trixie and Tess said...

Thanks girls! I'm so glad I found him too! We have so many fun adventures together...I would have been devestated! It was Fancy know, because it was the Eclipse premiere. Casual Edward was in my purse for safe keeping. I use them according to what the occasion calls for. I'm in desperate need of Jean Jack Edward from Eclipse! That's my next purchase!!