Tuesday, June 8, 2010

The New Guy

This past Saturday, I went out to run some errands while Edward decided that he wanted to stay home and watch some movies. I was a little bummed that Edward didn't want to come with me, but respected his wishes. After all, we all need our down time. Including the undead. So out I went with out my Edward. The first place I needed to go was Toys R Us. And when I walked in, right in the front of the store they had something that I didn't think they would have yet. I contemplated the pros and cons of buying the .... uh... item, and eventually said "Screw the cons! I want it, so I'm gonna get it!" So I did. When I got home I heard Edward watching his movies in the basement so I ran up to my room to set loose my purchase, then crossed my fingers and hoped for the best. I think Edward heard the panic in my thoughts, because he ran up the stairs to my room and found someone waiting for him on the windowsill.

Edward: Blue
New Edward: Green
Me: Pink
"Who are you?"
"I'm the new guy."
"What are you doing here?"
"I live here."
"What on earth are you talking about?"
"That cute blond brought me here."
"WHAT?! That can't be right!"
"Is it so hard to believe that maybe she would like some company other than you?"
This is where I entered the room. It sounded like things were on there way of going out of control which is what I was scared of. "Oh good. It looks like you met Edward, Edward. Are you guys getting along? I knew you would. Edward, why don't you show Edward around the house and make him feel at home." Edward was taken back by my statement. He took a moment to think about what I said, then gave into my request. I felt kind of bad, Edward looked pretty bummed. But he doesn't like change. He will just have to get used to it like everything else. I figured since he gets along with Eduardo so well now, he should have no problem adjusting to the new Edward.
"Um, yes, sure. No problem, love." He was sure to look the new Edward in the eyes when using that endearment, staking his claim as my number one vamp.

So off the boys went to tour the house.

"This is Derek, the human's beloved pet dog who is not a werewolf."
"Why would I think he is a werewolf? Derek is clearly a Pomeranian."
"Um.....well he......this one time......I'm just trying to alleviate any confusion is all. Anyway, the human is very attached to Derek so it is important that you remember that the dog is more important than you and always treat it that way."
"Well, I would expect as much."
"Really? Hm." After Edward contemplated this statement the two little vamps moved on.
"This is Derek's food and under no circumstances do you ever throw this food away? The human will get very upset and threaten you."
"Why would anyone throw the dog's food away? Who could ever be so cruel?"
".........People make mistakes. Things get blown out of proportion and stuff happens. Just don't do it, ok."
"Um, yes, sure. Whatever you say." At this point New Edward seemed a bit weary of Edward and his mental state.
"Now, this is my pet, Vlad. He is a bit skittish around new people so it may take a while for him to warm up to you. But he is very well behaved and needs little care. You are welcome to play with him if you like."
"The human let you get your own pet? Do you think she would let me get one of my own?"
"That depends on what you want. She is very particular in what she will allow you to bring home. But if you threaten the dog, she will probably take you right out to the store to get you something. That's how I ended up with Vlad."
"Why did you threaten the dog?"
".......Um....There was a safety issue."
"With the Pomeranian? How harmful could he be?"
"........He isn't harmful.......it was just.......you see...... I think we should move on."
"This is a Paul McCartney figurine. Now if you were to think that you could talk to him and that he would respond, well you would be mistaken. He isn't real like we are real."
"Really? No kidding? Tell me, have you ever spoken to a professional?"
"A professional what?"
"I guess not. Never mind. What's next?"
"This guitar belongs to my human's husband. He is not fond of letting me play with it. Something about constant string breaking and whammy bar abuse."
"That I can understand. I better not play with it then either. Wait, the human is married?"
"Don't even get me started on this. Bad things happen when I threatened her dog, I don't even want to think of the consequences of threatening the husband. He likes Twilight."
"Nuh uh!!! Hmmm. So I guess your presence is well tolerated by him?"
"Yes, but he tolerates me better than I tolerate him."
"I see. We may have to discuss this matter further in the near future."
"Yes, I agree."
"This is where all the movies are kept. You will also find every episode of Friends and the first two seasons of The Big Bang Theory as well as some concert DVDs and a box of extra guitar stings in case there is a ...... uh..... accident of some kind. I assume that you will be spending a lot of time here seeing that the human will be leaving you at home while I am with her at work."
"Edward?! Are you two in the basement?"
"Yes, love."
"Don't forget to tell the new Edward about work and what time we will be leaving in the morning. I want to make sure he is around so I don't forget him."
"What was that Edward?"
"I said no problem, love. I can't wait for him to come with us."
"Mm hmm."
Edward continued to show the new Edward around the house. It looks like they are getting along just fine. No animosity that I can see. They did take a break from the tour when they got to the bathroom and engaged in some Q-tip sparring. It looked to be more out of fun than aggression.
Eventually, the pair made it back to the bedroom where Edward had to show the new Edward one more thing.

"If you know what's good for you, you will never touch this. This is my human's most prized possession. Harming it will have worse consequences than crossing the Volturi."
"This is her most prized possession? Really? That guy is such a tool. What does she even see in him anyway?"
"I have no idea. I completely agree. He is just a huge tool. I will never understand the hype."
"Me neither."
After the tour was over both Edwards found something fun for us all to do.
They were very excited, but I'm pretty sure they cheated by seeing what the story was going to say through my thoughts. What do you think?


Mrs. P @ TwiBite said...

This is just so brilliant I don't know where to start!!!! First of all, Eclipse Edward is totally rocking his denim jacket. I loved the Q-Tip sparring and the madlibs...LMAO!!!
Your signed photo is insane...I love it!

Twired Jen said...

LMAO! Sooo hilarious! And the signed photo? Where did you score that???!!!

And is that your pup? SO adorable.

xo J

mmMoxie said...

HEHE love the Mad Libs! I think the Edwards played it wrong though. I'm pretty sure they weren't drunk and they didn't use the word "taint" :P

Living with Edward said...

@Mrs. P: The denim jacket is why wanted Eclipse Edward. He is way cooler than New Moon Edward but not as cool as Twilight Edward.

@Twired Jen: My mom's boyfriends got the pic for me for Christmas. I was soooooo stoked!

@mmMoxie: They totally didn't play the Libs right. LOL I will have to discuss the rules with them for next time.

Jelena @ Twiholic said...

Hahaha, I actually laughed out loud a couple of times.
You are freaking awesome LWE.

Btw, is that Eclipse Edward? Holy shit, I want one! Look at that stance, the jacket, the shoes... the jaw... simply brilliant!

Living with Edward said...

@Jelena: Yep, that is Eclipse Edward. I love the jacket and I love how the stance is complete with wonky feet! LOL

Musing Bella said...

And NOW I want an Eclipse Edward. Thanks for that!! LOL
This was too brilliant, as usual. I love the look Derek is giving new Edward - LMAO! You crack me up.

Dangrdafne said...

Perfect, hilarious, awesome, great, and that is just Eclipse Edward! LOL!!!!

You are way too clever. I love this post. The Q-tip battle is too funny.

You are going to run out of room in your purse soon :)

Hugs to Derek - who looks so freaking adorable in his picture. Oooo funny that Derek is the name of Bella's boyfriend in Myg's fan fiction, Osa Bella, on Twitarded! Hilarious coincidence.

TongueTwied said...

LwE-first, that signed picture is better than I could have ever imagined! Is that the prize for the picture contest?

Hilarious introduction to the new guy. I love your dog's tongue hanging out in the picture--that is too funny!

Would the new guy be offended if I said he reminds me of Luke Perry circa early 90s? It's a compliment but ya know some people don't like to be compared.

Welcome aboard Edward, chaos to ensue!

TongueTwied said...

PS-Have you seen "How to Be" I forget. I had it on recently and in the beginning there is a scene with leaves and action figures and I was laughing and thinking hey that's just like LwE's banner!

Dangrdafne said...

@ TT - I totally see the Luke Perry thing!! Too funny!!

Living with Edward said...

@Musing Bella: I have Derek trained very well. LOL

@DD: Thank goodness I have a huge purse. LOL I haven't read any of Osa Bella yet. Is it good? What is it about?

@TT: The prize to the contest is still a mini Edward. My signed Rpatz stays with me!!

The new Edward is trying to de-Luke his look now. I don't think he is going to be successful.

And I still have to see How To Be! I still didn't return that one movie from like October!! But now I am really curious because of the action figure! LOL

TongueTwied said...

@LwE, I'll trade you a "How to Be" new copy for the signed Rpattz pic?

Living with Edward said...

Umm...let me think.... NO!!

Dangrdafne said...

@ LwE - Osa Bella is very good. It is Myg's take on the Twilight Saga if it were written for adults and she has some very different takes on the characters. I like it very much. She writes very well and I am very excited to see where we are going. She is only in 12 chapters so far so if you start now it should be easy to keep up with if you like it. She posts on Twitarded and has links to pdf files. She posts Wednesday (?) and Saturday and the past 2 Saturday's have had 2 chapters :)

TongueTwied said...

Fine LwE.

Umm Edwards, come here...closer. I want to talk to you both about a super secret covert operation to be "carried out of the house." We'll call it Operation: Tool Be Gone.

I can reward you each with your very own girlfriend of your choice (Bella, Barbie, Ariel, etc) and I will protect you both from the Volturi. Things should go down early morning of June 30th when the human is sleeping in after a late night out. Who's in?