Thursday, June 10, 2010

Finally, My Surprise For Edward

So today was the big day that I gave Edward his surprise. I wanted to do something really nice for him because of how good he has been (apart from last night) and because he has been going into a bored slump. The addition of the new Edward, who Edward has now nicknamed EC to alleviate any confusion, has helped some in the past few days. But to be honest the addition of EC was more for me, not Edward. So I wanted to get Edward something that would make him feel complete and whole. Something that if he had, he would never get bored and be happy all the time. As much as I didn't want to admit it and bring this ....uh....thing into my home, I knew that there was only one thing that would make Edward happy. So I decided to be completely selfless and do what was right.

Today was my day off, so I took the time to prepare for Edward's surprise while he was out with EC. When he came back I called him upstairs. I couldn't wait to see the look on his face!!

Me:Pink EC: Green
Edward: Blue Bella: Brown

"Edward, can you come up here? I have a big surprise for you!!"
Edward came running excitedly up the stairs into the room. He had a very expectant look on his face, then he turned and saw who was waiting for him.

"Edward!! I have been looking everywhere for you! Thank God I finally found you! I was so worried. I haven't seen you since last September. Where have you been?" I couldn't wait to see what Edward was going to do. I was expecting him to grab Bella up in his arms and spin her around hugging her and protesting his love to her.

Instead he ignored Bella and gave me a very unreadable look that honestly looked a bit hostile.

", can I speak to you in private for a moment. It is very important."
"Sure Edward. Is everything alright?" Now I was really confused. Edward grabbed my ankle and led me out of the room very quickly. Edward paced the hallway nervously. I waited for him to say something but it didn't look like he could find the words.
"Edward, would you like to tell me what is wrong?"
"Um, I'm sorry. I don't want to seem unappreciative. I know that you only wanted to make me happy and I am grateful that you would go out of your way for me. But..... well, you see.... how can I say this...... I can't stand that girl."
"WHAT?!" Now I was REALLY confused. "But she's Bella. Your true love. How can you say that?"
"Easily. She's nuts!"
"But what about the books and the movies? That's not what they say."
"I didn't want to tell you this because I know how much you like the books and movies, but they are over romanticised. They are complete inaccurate accounts of the events. And considering the perspective in which they are told, I'm not surprised."
"So Bella doesn't smell really good to you? Can you actually read her thoughts? Wait, you never had that romantic scene in the meadow?"
"Bella smells normal to me. She actually has a less than average scent. And, no, I can not read her thoughts. That was true. Those two characteristics of hers is why I started a relationship with her in the first place. I couldn't hear her mindless chatter and she wasn't all that tempting. I thought I would give the relationship a chance."
"So what went wrong?"
"She's crazy!! The girl has got some serious screws loose! It turned out that I couldn't hear her thoughts because there IS something wrong with her brain! There came a point where I couldn't tolerate it anymore."

I couldn't believe what I was hearing! After some coaxing, Edward took me for a little walk down memory lane. He told me how the meadow really went down.

"First of all, there was no meadow. She thought it was meadow. It was actually my back yard and I was doing yard work at the time."

"Edward, this a really romantic place you brought me. I just love meadows with pretty wild flowers."
"Bella, this isn't a meadow, it's my back yard. And these aren't wild flowers, they're weeds. And they all need to be pulled, so if you want to start pulling your own weight around here I suggest you start pulling the weeds."

"Edward, did you just pick that flower for me? That's so sweet! You are the best boyfriend ever!"
"Bella, I just explained to you that this is a weed. It is a life sucking plant that kills all the good plants around it. It has to die."
"But look how pretty it is. You aren't going to give it to me?"
"Um.....well.....yes, I guess you can have it. Yes, here have this weed. It is accurately symbolic of my feelings for you."
"Awww, thank you."
"Edward, can we just lay here for while?"

"Won't you come closer to me? You are so far away."
"No thanks, I'm good."
"Um....because.....I might kill you. Yes, it is too dangerous. You see, Bella, you smell to tempting to me ....... and that could cause me to kill you easily. I should keep my distance."
"How come you never mentioned that before?"
"Because I just thought of it now."
"Oh, Ok."

"Wow, Edward. That's pretty bad. Tell me, did you really spend every night with her while she was sleeping?"

"I was with her until she fell asleep a lot. Then I was out of there. I couldn't wait for her to fall asleep, but sometimes that would take forever."

So Edward told me about nights at Bella's house.

"Edward, tell me more about vampires."
"No. You need to go to sleep now."
"Was your mom a vampire and that's why your a vampire?"
"No. That's not how you get vampires. It's not genetic."
"Was your dad a vampire?"
"No. Didn't you hear what I just said?"
"Well, if your mom wasn't a vampire, and your dad wasn't a vampire, why are you a vampire?"
"Because it's not genetic! Look, I told you this already. Carlisle is a vampire and he bit me and made me a vampire."
"Does Carlisle have rabies?"
"Rabies? No."
"Good. Cause if he did, then you would. Then if you ever bit me, it would kill me."
"..............Bella, go to sleep."
"Wait. Tell me what I'm thinking!"
"I already told you that I can't hear your thoughts. I have no way of knowing what you are thinking."
"Then tell me what number I'm thinking of!"
"That would require me having to hear your thoughts, and I told you I can't, so go to sleep."
"Come on! Tell me what number I'm thinking of!"
"I can't!"
"Yes you can! Tell me! Tell me! Quick! Quick! Quick! Quick! ....... Too late! 56!"

Edward then told me how he would get Bella to fall asleep when she got like this. Pressure points.

"Hold still a moment and I will see you in the morning."

Edward continued to list Bella's faults. For example, she actually did need to be saved from her clumsiness.

"Oh, for crying out loud!"

He told me many other things that I won't bore you all with, and you probably wouldn't believe me if I told you. But I will share with you what the last straw was for Edward. It all started when Bella brought home a pet.

"Look what followed me home."
"What the hell! You can't keep that. It's a wolf!"
"But he likes me. He wouldn't have followed me home if he didn't"
"He likes you because he sees you as dinner. And he followed you home because he's hungry."
"Oh, I should probably feed him then. What's in the fridge?"
"Oh my god. Bella, the wolf wants to eat you. It is a wild animal. You can't keep it as a pet. It's not safe."
"You can't tell me what is and isn't safe for me! This wolf likes me and I'm going to keep him no matter what you say. I already named him Jacob and I know he won't hurt me. You have to trust me!"
"Of course you named him Jacob! Why wouldn't you? You are obsessed with Jacob! Fine! Do what you want. Don't listen to me! I don't care anymore!"

Later that night.................
"Edward the wolf hurt me. He gave me some pretty bad boo boos. Can you kiss them and make them better?"
"Bella!! You're bleeding all over the place! Get away from me!! Are you crazy?!"
And with that Edward left and never came back. He went on to tell me that he just moved away and not long after he ended up here. After he told me all of this, I didn't know what to do. I just brought Bella here. I couldn't just send her away. We at least have to give her time to find somewhere else to go. Edward didn't want to hear that but knew that was right. He admitted that he is a bit at fault because he never told me the truth about what happened and didn't know any better than to bring Bella home. So we went back into the room so Edward could perhaps find a way to distract Bella from him while she stays with us. But when we went in, Bella had a surprise for Edward.

"Look who came with me Edward! It's Jacob! And I got him a friend and named her Leah and they had puppies!"
"That's Seth and Quil. Awww, look. Little Seth likes you!"
"Oh my god, get it off! Get it off!"
"Awwww, how cute."
Edward then kicked the little wolf pup off his leg and told Bella that there was an emergency and she had to leave the room for exactly 30 seconds then she could come back in. Bella obliged and left. When she came back three minutes later she found this waiting for her.
"Edward. I hope everything is alright. Is the emergency over? It looks like it is. Everything seems normal in here." Bella continued her rambling to mini FSE. I couldn't believe it. I didn't think it was going to work but it did. I guess she is crazy.
While Bella was catching up with mini FSE and sharing cookie recipes with him, EC came into the room looking for Edward.
"Hey Edward, I was wondering if you wanted to call Jasper and ......."
"Oh, crap!" EC saw who was there and quickly high tailed it out of there, looking back to make sure his presence was not noticed by Bella.

I heard EC run all they way down the stairs and then heard the front door slam. He wasn't seen for hours after that.
I went to see how Edward was holding up.
"I can't believe I'm stuck in this damn hoodie again."
"I can't believe she thinks the decoy is really you."
"I can."
"The wolves seem to be onto you though."
"Yeah, they're pretty smart. I guess we are stuck with them too, huh?"
"Yep. Hey, is there anything else that you should tell me about so that one day it doesn't turn into a giant clusterf**k like this?"
"I'll get back to you on that."
Much later, when EC came home, the boys contemplated the events of the day.

"How the hell are we going to get rid of her?"
"I have no idea. But look at the bright side. You were able to get a pet out of it."
"Yeah, that's pretty cool. The wolf isn't so bad. It's not like he can hurt me."
"I don't think she would ever know he is missing either now that she has the decoy. So you can probably keep him. But we may have to keep the others too."
"I guess that wouldn't be so terrible. Do you think the human will mind?"
"I doubt it. It's not like they will live forever like Vlad. And she has her own dog. Why can't we have our own dogs?"
"That's a really good point. What do you think we ............ hey look, that little one really likes you."

"Oh hell!"


Anonymous said...

i luuurve it

Mrs. P @ TwiBite said...

Oh my god. When EC saw her and made a run for it, I laughed put loud...and when Edward said "for crying out loud" when bella fell in the sink, It was priceless. The puppy loves Edwards leg, huh? Lolol!!!!!
I read the whole post and I want you to know I am prone to scrollitis...that's how funny it!

Musing Bella said...

Oh LwE, you crack me UP! When EC made a run for it - LMAO!! And all of Bella's questions - "Tell me what number I'm thinking of!" Baaahahahaha - too funny. Another WIN!

TongueTwied said...

Was your mom a vampire? LMAO!!! Oh eff-me I'm crying again. This was a higher standard of brilliance from you!

EC from the back looks very RPattzlike.

StarlitViolets said...

I literally laughed great big belly laughs when Bella got Jacob a friend named Leah and they had puppies!!! AWESOME!!!

Oh and DML will be at its new home blog this week - 6:30pm Pacific/9:30pm Eastern at:

Drunk Mad Libs

Hope to see you there tonight!

StarlitViolets said...

OH! I almost forgot my complete adoration and admiration of mini FSE!!! Fabulous!

Living with Edward said...

@TT: The Eclipse Edward looks a lot like Rpatzz from some angles. It's actually kind of creepy.

TongueTwied said...

Yep! So creepy I think I need to have one to hold in my very own hands!!!

Rena said...

This is so full of epic win!! I love it! Thank you for making me laugh after a rough week. :-)

17foreverlisa said...

Jeez, LwE, I loved the entire post, as usual!! I laughed the hardest when Bella brought home the wolf and Edward threw his arms up and said "What the hell..." You are just too funny.



Jayla said...

LwE, you make my day!

Jelena @ Twiholic said...

This is simply too brilliant for words. So I'm going to give you a standing ovation instead.

However, I do need to mention that I luuuurved the little wolf clutching onto Edward's leg, and him yelling "Get it off!"

Bravo! Again.

Jaymes805 said...

hahaha yay!! I found it. This is epicness! I laughed for daaaays. Helped cure the post Forks depression. Almost.