Today was my day off, so I took the time to prepare for Edward's surprise while he was out with EC. When he came back I called him upstairs. I couldn't wait to see the look on his face!!
Me:Pink EC: Green
Edward: Blue Bella: Brown
"Edward, can you come up here? I have a big surprise for you!!"
Edward came running excitedly up the stairs into the room. He had a very expectant look on his face, then he turned and saw who was waiting for him.
"Edward!! I have been looking everywhere for you! Thank God I finally found you! I was so worried. I haven't seen you since last September. Where have you been?" I couldn't wait to see what Edward was going to do. I was expecting him to grab Bella up in his arms and spin her around hugging her and protesting his love to her.
Instead he ignored Bella and gave me a very unreadable look that honestly looked a bit hostile."Um...love, can I speak to you in private for a moment. It is very important."
"Sure Edward. Is everything alright?" Now I was really confused. Edward grabbed my ankle and led me out of the room very quickly. Edward paced the hallway nervously. I waited for him to say something but it didn't look like he could find the words.
"Edward, would you like to tell me what is wrong?"
"Um, I'm sorry. I don't want to seem unappreciative. I know that you only wanted to make me happy and I am grateful that you would go out of your way for me. But..... well, you see.... how can I say this...... I can't stand that girl."
"WHAT?!" Now I was REALLY confused. "But she's Bella. Your true love. How can you say that?"
"Easily. She's nuts!"
"But what about the books and the movies? That's not what they say."
"I didn't want to tell you this because I know how much you like the books and movies, but they are over romanticised. They are complete inaccurate accounts of the events. And considering the perspective in which they are told, I'm not surprised."
"So Bella doesn't smell really good to you? Can you actually read her thoughts? Wait, you never had that romantic scene in the meadow?"
"Bella smells normal to me. She actually has a less than average scent. And, no, I can not read her thoughts. That was true. Those two characteristics of hers is why I started a relationship with her in the first place. I couldn't hear her mindless chatter and she wasn't all that tempting. I thought I would give the relationship a chance."
"So what went wrong?"
"She's crazy!! The girl has got some serious screws loose! It turned out that I couldn't hear her thoughts because there IS something wrong with her brain! There came a point where I couldn't tolerate it anymore."
I couldn't believe what I was hearing! After some coaxing, Edward took me for a little walk down memory lane. He told me how the meadow really went down.
"First of all, there was no meadow. She thought it was meadow. It was actually my back yard and I was doing yard work at the time.""Edward, this a really romantic place you brought me. I just love meadows with pretty wild flowers."
"Bella, this isn't a meadow, it's my back yard. And these aren't wild flowers, they're weeds. And they all need to be pulled, so if you want to start pulling your own weight around here I suggest you start pulling the weeds."
"Edward, did you just pick that flower for me? That's so sweet! You are the best boyfriend ever!"
"Bella, I just explained to you that this is a weed. It is a life sucking plant that kills all the good plants around it. It has to die."
"But look how pretty it is. You aren't going to give it to me?"
"Um.....well.....yes, I guess you can have it. Yes, here have this weed. It is accurately symbolic of my feelings for you."
"Awww, thank you."
"Edward, can we just lay here for while?"
"Won't you come closer to me? You are so far away."
"No thanks, I'm good."
"Um....because.....I might kill you. Yes, it is too dangerous. You see, Bella, you smell to tempting to me ....... and that could cause me to kill you easily. I should keep my distance."
"How come you never mentioned that before?"
"Because I just thought of it now."
"Wow, Edward. That's pretty bad. Tell me, did you really spend every night with her while she was sleeping?"
"I was with her until she fell asleep a lot. Then I was out of there. I couldn't wait for her to fall asleep, but sometimes that would take forever."
So Edward told me about nights at Bella's house."Edward, tell me more about vampires."
"No. You need to go to sleep now."
"Was your mom a vampire and that's why your a vampire?"
"No. That's not how you get vampires. It's not genetic."
"Was your dad a vampire?"
"No. Didn't you hear what I just said?"
"Well, if your mom wasn't a vampire, and your dad wasn't a vampire, why are you a vampire?"
"Because it's not genetic! Look, I told you this already. Carlisle is a vampire and he bit me and made me a vampire."
"Does Carlisle have rabies?"
"Good. Cause if he did, then you would. Then if you ever bit me, it would kill me."
"..............Bella, go to sleep."
"Wait. Tell me what I'm thinking!"
"I already told you that I can't hear your thoughts. I have no way of knowing what you are thinking."
"Then tell me what number I'm thinking of!"
"That would require me having to hear your thoughts, and I told you I can't, so go to sleep."
"Come on! Tell me what number I'm thinking of!"
"Yes you can! Tell me! Tell me! Quick! Quick! Quick! Quick! ....... Too late! 56!"
Edward then told me how he would get Bella to fall asleep when she got like this. Pressure points.
"Oh, for crying out loud!"
He told me many other things that I won't bore you all with, and you probably wouldn't believe me if I told you. But I will share with you what the last straw was for Edward. It all started when Bella brought home a pet.
Later that night.................
"Look who came with me Edward! It's Jacob! And I got him a friend and named her Leah and they had puppies!"
"How the hell are we going to get rid of her?"