Wednesday, June 30, 2010

Can We Keep Her?

Well, we all made it back from Bridgewater Commons alive. Yay! After I left Dangrdafne, DangrDonna, and Mrs.P in the parking garage, I had to walk to the bottom floor to my car by myself. And my car was one of last there. To be honest I was a bit spooked. I was expecting a vampire to come run by me and slash my wrist open. So I put on my best "Don't mess with me" Edward face and got in my car unscathed. But how cool of a post could I do if I was able to tell you that I ended the night of watching Eclipse by being turned into a vampire! Oh, well, maybe another time.

Anyway, I guess I will tell you of our Edventures in Eclipse Premiere night. To say that I was beyond stoked would be a true understatement. I was squee-ing all the way down I78. To prepare for the night I had a special shirt made by my brother in law. Here is the front.

And the back:

Isn't it awesome?! I love it! Now I just need to figure out where else I can wear it.
Edward had preparations of his own to make before we left.
Strong Mousse for strong vamp hair. Now you know Edward's bouffant secret.
We started out the night by retrieving the special red bag that Tongue Twied had stowed away for us at the theater. That made our night more interesting. Thank you TT. You are so fun. Here is me and Mrs. P with the bag of goodies and the manager behind probably thinking WTF.

Inside the bag was a little Eclipse goody bag for each of us with Twilighty treats inside. So cool! However Edward was a little disappointed that there was no mini vile of mountain lion blood in there for him. I told him that it's not that easy for us mere humans to obtain mountain lion blood. He replied, "True". Here is Dangrdafne, everyones favorite bloggy sweetie, with her bag.

Our next order of business was to replace Kristen Stewart in the saga. What do you think of our pick?

I think it works. Then Edward killed some time with a little Dance Dance Revolution. He will play that game for hours if not stopped.

Once we entered the theater, we had 2 hours to kill. It went really fast though. Edward thought it would be fun to mess with the person in front of him. He was in a rare mood last night.

Mrs. P said that someone had stole her candy. I think I figured out who it was.

Then Mrs. P said her soda was a huge cup of piss water. This immediately concerned Edward. He had to make sure that this was not true. He can take things so literally sometimes. I think 17foreverlisa would say that it is piss water because it was Coke.

I really don't know what is going on here:

During Edward's shenanigans, he was noticed by a couple of girls behind us who then needed to have their picture taken with him. He was gentlemanly enough to oblige them. They then used there phone to read his blog. I told Edward he should look into some kind of marketing job.

Tongue Twied was wise enough to give us something to do to help pass the time. She gave some kind of quiz about Twilight songs. How do you think we did? If you can't read it, it should get bigger if you click it. <----- honestly not meant to sound dirty.

Here we all are waiting for the movie to start. See how happy we all are. That was not faked.

DangrDonna, DangreDafne, LwE, Mrs.P
We had such a great time possibly at the expense of others around us. I am never the person that doesn't shut up at a movie. I usually glare at that person. But Mrs. P and I had a running commentary for the whole film that we were in hysterics over. I think the most memorable line was used when Carlisle and Esme find Bree and Esme looks to Carlisle and you know she is just thinking "Can we keep her?" That had the girl next to Mrs. P also in hysterics.

Here is Edward with all the goodies acquired through out the night.

We have a TwiBite mug, complementary from Mrs. P. Dangredafne got me the Edward keychain set. Strangely enough that was one of the only things I wanted of the Eclipse Merch. I wonder who told her. And the candy and lotion are from Tongue Twied. I didn't eat it during the movie because I wanted to take a pic of it first. But it probably won't last much longer. Edward's favorite item of the night was the bubble wrap that the TwiBite mug came in.

Saturday, June 26, 2010

The Results Are In!! Part Three

Alright my Twi lovelies, here is the last entry for the mini Edward Contest. It belongs to Musing Bella. MB's entry was fantabulous. I know you will all love it. It had me in tears laughing. It takes some pretty good humor to do that to me, so kudos to you MB! So without further ado......

Edward: Blue
Alice: Pink
Jasper: Green

Recently, LwE was out of the house and had neglected to bring Edward with her. Bored, Edward was thinking he'd like to go through the experience of getting into shape for the upcoming summer, as so many of us try to do each year. He found LwE's workout tapes and was getting ready to start his regimen when Alice showed up.

"Edward? I had a vision... you should not attempt this workout! It won't end well!"
"But Alice, how else will I recreate the experience of trying to look my best in my speedo?"
"Edward, be realistic. You can't even take your clothes off. How would anyone know the difference?"

At this, Edward became very upset and threw himself onto the ground in a fit of rage.

"It's not fair! I just want to pretend!! I was just trying to have some fun!!"
Edward beat his tiny fists on the ground, while Jasper (who had arrived seconds after Alice) sent waves of calm over him.
"Edward, you are such a drama queen sometimes."
"Listen, Edward, Alice has a good point. And there are other things we can do for fun. Tantrums really aren't necessary."
At this, and with the help of Jasper's calming, Edward perked up a bit.
"Like, what sort of other things?"
"Well, is Vlad around here somewhere? Let's go get him and I'll explain."
The trio trekked off to find Vlad, and finally found him resting on his little knee-pad of a bed.

"Vlad? Wake up, Vlad..." said Edward, gently

"OK, Jasper, you have all of us. Now what do you propose we do for some fun, since my human is out of the house and you two won't let me exercise?"
Edward was still a little grumpy from having his workout plans thwarted.
"Umm... I'm out of here. You boys have fun!"

Edward didn't see whatever vision Alice might have had that would cause her to beat such a hasty retreat after ruining his evening so thoroughly by showing up in the first place.

Without responding to Edward's inquiring look, Jasper grabbed Vlad and escaped in a flash. Edward was so stunned that it took him the tiniest second to dart after the two, so he was too late to prevent Jasper from trapping Vlad in a leftover Easter egg prison.

"Jasper! What the Hell?!? Vlad hates being enclosed like that, you know that! What are you thinking?!?"
"Two words, my brother: Bat Bowling."
"What??! NO! You let Vlad out right this second, or I will tear you limb from limb!" Edward began to growl...

Upon being released, Vlad flew up the wall to get away from Jasper, and Edward attempted to calm him down.

"Vlad? Sweetheart? It's okay. Jasper wasn't trying to be so mean, and he didn't mean to scare you. He forgot about your fear of small spaces. You stay up here as long as you need, and I'll let you know as soon as he leaves, okay? Just rest for now."
Edward climbed back down the wall and growled, "Jasper???!"

Once he found Jasper, retribution was in order.

"YOU" [slam] "DO" [slam] "NOT" [slam] "TREAT" [slam] "VLAD" [slam] "IN" [slam] "THAT" [slam] "MANNER!!!!" [slam slam slam]
Edward moved back over to the side of the machine in which he'd been slamming Jasper.

"I demonstrate to you the power of the EWave. Fear it. Respect it. Be glad I didn't turn it on with you inside."

Hearing the sound of a key in the door, Edward quickly gestured to Jasper that he should get out of the house - Edward wasn't sure what LwE's reaction might be to unexpected vampiric company, and didn't want to get into any trouble - her previous punishments had struck fear into his cold, immobile heart.
On his way out the nearest window, Jasper paused atop a speaker.

"Edward? I'm sorry for what I did to Vlad. Let's hunt together soon, okay?"
And out the window he went.

Edward heaved a sigh of relief and turned to greet his human.
"Hello, love. How was your evening?"

I hope you all enjoyed the contest entries as much as I did. I love mini Edward humor and since there is so little of it out there, this was really fun for me. So thank you to all the contestants, Musing Bella, Mrs. P, and Tongue Twied, for making my day. And I hope you all enjoy you new mini Edward!

Friday, June 25, 2010

The Results Are In Part Two!!

Tonight's blog post is brought to you by the lovely Mrs. P. Enjoy! I know I did.

Edward: Blue
Jasper: Green
Alice: Pink

"Alice, Jasper...I need you to babysit Vlad for me"

"No problem, Edward. We would be glad too!"

**one week later**

"Here you go Edward. Vlad is safe and sound. We kept him in a bubble to keep him safe."

"What? You didn't talk to him or play with him? You're dead!"

"Alice. I am going to take care of you first. I've been working out. You're doomed."

"Over my dead body Edward!"

"Take that! Never insult Alice again!"

Edward composes himself, and quickly grabs Jasper and tries to shove him in the microwave.

Jasper emerges from the microwave unscathed, and decides to take care of Edward and Vlad...once and for all.

"Vlad, I'll entertain any ideas you might have on how to get us out of here."

Thanks again to Mrs. P. If you missed Tongue Twied's post yesterday, it is right below this one. You can't miss it. Stay tuned for The Results Are In Part Three! See you all at DML. If you don't know what that is this ---> DML is the coolest!!

Thursday, June 24, 2010

The Results Are In!!

How many of you have been waiting on the edge of your seats for the results to the mini Edward contest?? Well wait no further! There were three submissions (haha MotU) to the contest. Tongue Twied, Musing Bella, and Mrs. P all sent in entries. It was difficult to pick just one, and since I found mini Edward for only two dollars and fifty (haha MotU) cents, I didn't just buy one. So I decided to grant each contestant a mini Edward because no one should be without one.

I mentioned that I would post the winner's entry on the blog so all three entries will be posted. Today I am starting with Tongue Twied's entry. Hope you enjoy!!

The following takes place prior to Bella’s recent arrival in a town
next to Forks, PA.

Edward: Blue
Alice: Pink
Jasper: Green
Vlad: Red

If a line appears italicised and in [ ]s it is a silent thought, not spoken words, but we all know Edward can hear it. However, Edward has a few thoughts of his own.

Hey Jasper, Alice whatcha up to?
[Yeah, that’s what I thought, I mean think, I mean am thinking
right this very second.]

Listen, I need to go to Forks for a couple of days. Psychochick has
gone missing and Charlie is worried. He thinks I’m the only one who
can save her dumb self from her dumb self. [I’m the only one that fits
into her delusions anyway. Pubescent nutjob!]
He asked me to come
help. But the thing is, Forks is too wet for my precious little viddle
vitty Vlad here. All that rain would short circuit him. Can I count on
you guys to take care of him while I’m gone?

Well we don’t have much experience with “kids” but I did have a
little sister back in Texas that I liked to give piggyback rides to,
you know until I sunk my teeth into, drained her dry, and discarded
her like an empty burlap potato sack in a field outside Austin.

[And yet somehow Alice thinks he’ll be under as good control as the
rest of us soon.]

Of course! {turns to Vlad} Awww we’ll take care of you little fella,
such a cute little thing. What do we do with him?

Well I’ll go over everything you need to know for Vlad. First,
Alice, I don’t suppose you’ve had any visions about pscyhochick that
might help me get this over and done with…

Nope, not a one.
[Of course not. Five dollar carnival psychic! Once again proving
that nobody in this family has any real talent except me.]

This is where Vlad likes to sleep and sometimes play. Don’t ask
what the human used it for. You don’t want to know, but since Vlad has
taken a liking to it, it is his now. You have to pick him up and fly
him around like an airplane. Trust me, he loves it. But don’t go at
Vampiric speed because he gets too sick and vomits everywhere. Once he
vomited in the human’s shoe and she was NOT pleased at all. Oh, and at
nighttime be sure to sing him "You are my sunshine" and cover him with
a blanket so he’s as snug as a bug in a rug.

I bet the little fella likes to play hide and go seek.
Go hide. I'll stand up here and count to 10.
1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10.

[Jasper’s an idiot. Nobody climbs up high to count. He can totally
see down and see where Vlad is.]

Well you’re the action-pixie that brought him into this family. I
just don’t think Remember the Alamo up there understands the concept
of the game. {Places Vlad behind box} Here Vlad, why don’t we {Uses
his finger quotes}
“hide” you behind this box.

Ready or not here I come! {jumps down and knocks over Edward}
Come on pretty boy with lush full hair way better than mine ever
looks, you should have totally been able to “hear” me coming.

[Ughh…for the love of my little sister don’t remind me.]
Uhh, Edward are you okay?
Yeah Alice, I’m only down here so as not to scare Vlad but do me a
favor and distract me so I don’t jump up in one of my lithe movements
and pummel the ever-unliving v-neck sweater out of your boyfriend.

Okay. Okay. Let's calm down and focus...Ummm… remember that time
when you sent crazy girl off with Jazz and I to take her to a mental
institution in Phoenix. Before we left you said to her, “You get a
life, now” and she told everyone you said, “You are my wife, now.”

{laughs uncontrollably}
{Growls} And you two vamprods totally let her get away. Remind me
again why I’m entrusting my precious pal with you two.

Well at least you found her dancing around that ballet studio
convinced she was performing the Nutcracker.

[Yeah psycho nutcracker!]
[yeah, Psychotic nutcracker! Wow when Edward is lying down like
that I can tell my sideburns are totally fuller than his. I'm so much
more plasculine than him.]

Jazz, has anyone every told you that your mood swings are totally
giving them whiplash? And that you totally suck at this game. You guys
go behind the speaker and count and Vlad and I will hide.

Don’t make a sound Vlad. They’ll never think to look for us here.
…9…10. Ready or not here we come.
There you are!!!
[Oh Vlad, you are one stupid pet.]

Oh! Oh! This is fun! Okay I’ll count you guys hide.
{Jasper grabs Vlad and heads into the microwave}
Wait for me!
No Edward. You get your own hiding spot!
Not fair!! I want to hide in there with you too. {Struggles to open
It's my spot!

{Struggles to close door.} It’s not like it has your name on it!
{Edward releases his grip.}

It does so have my name on it! See right here it says “E-wave”
which used to be my club name back in the ‘90s because I could read
brain waves. Just like you were J-Emo because you could…

[That’s right E-wave, well read this brain wave. I win the
microwave spot! The door is shut.]

[You tricked me? Why I ought to turn this thing on high power for
20 minutes and melt your plastic action-jackson ass! But I won’t
because, Vlad may be stupid, but I won’t let any harm come to him. I
feel very protective of him, my special little buddy.]

[Lemme out! Lemme out! It still smells like the human’s reheated
fish dinner in here.]

{Edward breaks off microwave door to free Vlad}
Game over! I was thinking about how protective I feel of Vlad and
I’m just do not think this is going to work out.

Oh don’t say that Edward! We can do better. Really we can.

I’ve got it! Say no more Edward! You want protective, we can do
protective. We'll just put him in a bubble so he has full-time
{comes back with Vlad in bubble}
{throws hands up in the air} Longhorn Idiot! He can’t even breathe
in there! Get him out…NOW! That’s it! I’m calling Charlie and telling
him I can’t help him. Maybe Eduardo can go. [At least that guy would
be good for something and that would mean some peace and quiet at the
bank again. sigh]
I’m sure if he finds Bella McNutcase she wouldn’t
know the difference if it bit her in the abdomen…several times.

Thursday, June 17, 2010

Mini Edward Wants Out Of Here!

No, not this mini Edward

The one that is still in his box. Just a reminder to those of you who are entering the contest to win mini Edward, the deadline for entries is this Sunday, June 20th. You can email them to If you have no idea what I'm talking about, click here. I must say that the entries that I have received so far are pretty good so you better put your game face on! I can't wait to see all of them. You guys are very talented!

Thursday, June 10, 2010

Finally, My Surprise For Edward

So today was the big day that I gave Edward his surprise. I wanted to do something really nice for him because of how good he has been (apart from last night) and because he has been going into a bored slump. The addition of the new Edward, who Edward has now nicknamed EC to alleviate any confusion, has helped some in the past few days. But to be honest the addition of EC was more for me, not Edward. So I wanted to get Edward something that would make him feel complete and whole. Something that if he had, he would never get bored and be happy all the time. As much as I didn't want to admit it and bring this ....uh....thing into my home, I knew that there was only one thing that would make Edward happy. So I decided to be completely selfless and do what was right.

Today was my day off, so I took the time to prepare for Edward's surprise while he was out with EC. When he came back I called him upstairs. I couldn't wait to see the look on his face!!

Me:Pink EC: Green
Edward: Blue Bella: Brown

"Edward, can you come up here? I have a big surprise for you!!"
Edward came running excitedly up the stairs into the room. He had a very expectant look on his face, then he turned and saw who was waiting for him.

"Edward!! I have been looking everywhere for you! Thank God I finally found you! I was so worried. I haven't seen you since last September. Where have you been?" I couldn't wait to see what Edward was going to do. I was expecting him to grab Bella up in his arms and spin her around hugging her and protesting his love to her.

Instead he ignored Bella and gave me a very unreadable look that honestly looked a bit hostile.

", can I speak to you in private for a moment. It is very important."
"Sure Edward. Is everything alright?" Now I was really confused. Edward grabbed my ankle and led me out of the room very quickly. Edward paced the hallway nervously. I waited for him to say something but it didn't look like he could find the words.
"Edward, would you like to tell me what is wrong?"
"Um, I'm sorry. I don't want to seem unappreciative. I know that you only wanted to make me happy and I am grateful that you would go out of your way for me. But..... well, you see.... how can I say this...... I can't stand that girl."
"WHAT?!" Now I was REALLY confused. "But she's Bella. Your true love. How can you say that?"
"Easily. She's nuts!"
"But what about the books and the movies? That's not what they say."
"I didn't want to tell you this because I know how much you like the books and movies, but they are over romanticised. They are complete inaccurate accounts of the events. And considering the perspective in which they are told, I'm not surprised."
"So Bella doesn't smell really good to you? Can you actually read her thoughts? Wait, you never had that romantic scene in the meadow?"
"Bella smells normal to me. She actually has a less than average scent. And, no, I can not read her thoughts. That was true. Those two characteristics of hers is why I started a relationship with her in the first place. I couldn't hear her mindless chatter and she wasn't all that tempting. I thought I would give the relationship a chance."
"So what went wrong?"
"She's crazy!! The girl has got some serious screws loose! It turned out that I couldn't hear her thoughts because there IS something wrong with her brain! There came a point where I couldn't tolerate it anymore."

I couldn't believe what I was hearing! After some coaxing, Edward took me for a little walk down memory lane. He told me how the meadow really went down.

"First of all, there was no meadow. She thought it was meadow. It was actually my back yard and I was doing yard work at the time."

"Edward, this a really romantic place you brought me. I just love meadows with pretty wild flowers."
"Bella, this isn't a meadow, it's my back yard. And these aren't wild flowers, they're weeds. And they all need to be pulled, so if you want to start pulling your own weight around here I suggest you start pulling the weeds."

"Edward, did you just pick that flower for me? That's so sweet! You are the best boyfriend ever!"
"Bella, I just explained to you that this is a weed. It is a life sucking plant that kills all the good plants around it. It has to die."
"But look how pretty it is. You aren't going to give it to me?"
"Um.....well.....yes, I guess you can have it. Yes, here have this weed. It is accurately symbolic of my feelings for you."
"Awww, thank you."
"Edward, can we just lay here for while?"

"Won't you come closer to me? You are so far away."
"No thanks, I'm good."
"Um....because.....I might kill you. Yes, it is too dangerous. You see, Bella, you smell to tempting to me ....... and that could cause me to kill you easily. I should keep my distance."
"How come you never mentioned that before?"
"Because I just thought of it now."
"Oh, Ok."

"Wow, Edward. That's pretty bad. Tell me, did you really spend every night with her while she was sleeping?"

"I was with her until she fell asleep a lot. Then I was out of there. I couldn't wait for her to fall asleep, but sometimes that would take forever."

So Edward told me about nights at Bella's house.

"Edward, tell me more about vampires."
"No. You need to go to sleep now."
"Was your mom a vampire and that's why your a vampire?"
"No. That's not how you get vampires. It's not genetic."
"Was your dad a vampire?"
"No. Didn't you hear what I just said?"
"Well, if your mom wasn't a vampire, and your dad wasn't a vampire, why are you a vampire?"
"Because it's not genetic! Look, I told you this already. Carlisle is a vampire and he bit me and made me a vampire."
"Does Carlisle have rabies?"
"Rabies? No."
"Good. Cause if he did, then you would. Then if you ever bit me, it would kill me."
"..............Bella, go to sleep."
"Wait. Tell me what I'm thinking!"
"I already told you that I can't hear your thoughts. I have no way of knowing what you are thinking."
"Then tell me what number I'm thinking of!"
"That would require me having to hear your thoughts, and I told you I can't, so go to sleep."
"Come on! Tell me what number I'm thinking of!"
"I can't!"
"Yes you can! Tell me! Tell me! Quick! Quick! Quick! Quick! ....... Too late! 56!"

Edward then told me how he would get Bella to fall asleep when she got like this. Pressure points.

"Hold still a moment and I will see you in the morning."

Edward continued to list Bella's faults. For example, she actually did need to be saved from her clumsiness.

"Oh, for crying out loud!"

He told me many other things that I won't bore you all with, and you probably wouldn't believe me if I told you. But I will share with you what the last straw was for Edward. It all started when Bella brought home a pet.

"Look what followed me home."
"What the hell! You can't keep that. It's a wolf!"
"But he likes me. He wouldn't have followed me home if he didn't"
"He likes you because he sees you as dinner. And he followed you home because he's hungry."
"Oh, I should probably feed him then. What's in the fridge?"
"Oh my god. Bella, the wolf wants to eat you. It is a wild animal. You can't keep it as a pet. It's not safe."
"You can't tell me what is and isn't safe for me! This wolf likes me and I'm going to keep him no matter what you say. I already named him Jacob and I know he won't hurt me. You have to trust me!"
"Of course you named him Jacob! Why wouldn't you? You are obsessed with Jacob! Fine! Do what you want. Don't listen to me! I don't care anymore!"

Later that night.................
"Edward the wolf hurt me. He gave me some pretty bad boo boos. Can you kiss them and make them better?"
"Bella!! You're bleeding all over the place! Get away from me!! Are you crazy?!"
And with that Edward left and never came back. He went on to tell me that he just moved away and not long after he ended up here. After he told me all of this, I didn't know what to do. I just brought Bella here. I couldn't just send her away. We at least have to give her time to find somewhere else to go. Edward didn't want to hear that but knew that was right. He admitted that he is a bit at fault because he never told me the truth about what happened and didn't know any better than to bring Bella home. So we went back into the room so Edward could perhaps find a way to distract Bella from him while she stays with us. But when we went in, Bella had a surprise for Edward.

"Look who came with me Edward! It's Jacob! And I got him a friend and named her Leah and they had puppies!"
"That's Seth and Quil. Awww, look. Little Seth likes you!"
"Oh my god, get it off! Get it off!"
"Awwww, how cute."
Edward then kicked the little wolf pup off his leg and told Bella that there was an emergency and she had to leave the room for exactly 30 seconds then she could come back in. Bella obliged and left. When she came back three minutes later she found this waiting for her.
"Edward. I hope everything is alright. Is the emergency over? It looks like it is. Everything seems normal in here." Bella continued her rambling to mini FSE. I couldn't believe it. I didn't think it was going to work but it did. I guess she is crazy.
While Bella was catching up with mini FSE and sharing cookie recipes with him, EC came into the room looking for Edward.
"Hey Edward, I was wondering if you wanted to call Jasper and ......."
"Oh, crap!" EC saw who was there and quickly high tailed it out of there, looking back to make sure his presence was not noticed by Bella.

I heard EC run all they way down the stairs and then heard the front door slam. He wasn't seen for hours after that.
I went to see how Edward was holding up.
"I can't believe I'm stuck in this damn hoodie again."
"I can't believe she thinks the decoy is really you."
"I can."
"The wolves seem to be onto you though."
"Yeah, they're pretty smart. I guess we are stuck with them too, huh?"
"Yep. Hey, is there anything else that you should tell me about so that one day it doesn't turn into a giant clusterf**k like this?"
"I'll get back to you on that."
Much later, when EC came home, the boys contemplated the events of the day.

"How the hell are we going to get rid of her?"
"I have no idea. But look at the bright side. You were able to get a pet out of it."
"Yeah, that's pretty cool. The wolf isn't so bad. It's not like he can hurt me."
"I don't think she would ever know he is missing either now that she has the decoy. So you can probably keep him. But we may have to keep the others too."
"I guess that wouldn't be so terrible. Do you think the human will mind?"
"I doubt it. It's not like they will live forever like Vlad. And she has her own dog. Why can't we have our own dogs?"
"That's a really good point. What do you think we ............ hey look, that little one really likes you."

"Oh hell!"