Monday, March 22, 2010

No One Hurts Alice And Gets Away With It.....Not Even Edward

*Warning! This post contains graphic gratuitous plastic vampire violence. It's content may not be suitable for some readers. Keep reading at your own risk!!*

So something very unexpected happened today. At first I thought that it was a pleasant surprise, but then things got ugly. I have never screamed in terror so much, and have never been so scared for Edward's well being and safety. This incident makes Edward's voyeuristic stack of money stalker seem like child's play. It all started with a knock at the door......

Words of Edward in blue.
Words of Jasper in green.
Words of me in pink.
Hopefully rainbow text helps you follow along.

When I opened the door, I got excited that Edward had a visitor. He could use that kind of thing right now with everything going on, but then I got the feeling that something wasn't right. Here is what happened.

"Oh, hello there Jasper. It's so nice to finally meet you."
"Yes, like wise. Where is Edward?" His tone made me feel suspicious and a bit protective. I had a feeling that this wasn't a friendly visit. Jasper did not seem happy about being here. But then suddenly I was no longer concerned and felt completely at ease with the whole situation. I couldn't wait to get Edward so that he would be involved in the fun too. My emotions usually aren't so erratic like that. Weird. So I called for him.

"Edward! Your incredibly happy super fun brother is here to see you!" Edward came running down the stairs excitedly then faced his brother in the doorway.

"You hurt Alice! Now I'm going to hurt you."
"Uh oh." Edward quickly turned and ran from Jasper attempting escape.

However, unfortunately, Jasper's anger only fueled his strength and he caught up to Edward in seconds. He held no mercy for his superbly coiffed brother. In fact, I think there also may have been some hair envy rage coming out of Jasper too. He was able to incapacitate Edward very quickly.

But Edward is not to be underestimated. He used Jasper's anger as a distraction and quickly pinned him against the wall.

Hmm...This reminds me of a certain scene taking place in a certain ballet studio in a certain movie. Can't quite put my finger on it. Oh, well. Maybe it will come to me later. Anyway, Jasper was able to evade Edward's wall pinning maneuver and get in a really good backhand to the face.

It sent Edward flying into the wall!

This is where I started to get really scared. I pleaded with Jasper. "Please don't hurt him! Stop!" As you can see, I was in a panic. But Jasper was intent on completing his mission. "He has to learn!" I screamed in horror when Jasper had Edward by the throat again. I couldn't stand to watch, but I couldn't take my eyes away.

Just when things were looking really bad for Edward, he mustered up the strength to escape Jasper's hold and launch his own offense. But is he doing what I think he's doing????

"No, Edward! Don't do it!"
But I was too late. I started to hear a high pitched keening sound like metal tearing mean plastic being broken. Then a vampy cry of pain.

"Aaahhhhh! Ooooowwww! What the hell is wrong with you, Edward? You can't just keep ripping off everyones arm!"
"You were going to rip my head off!!"
"That's neither hear nor there, Edward."
"What?" But Jasper didn't answer. He reached for his arm, grabbed it out of Edward's grasp....
......and started beating Edward with it incessantly. Jasper hit Edward over and over, again and again...

And again...

And again....
Until Edward couldn't take anymore of Jasper's beating.

Edward admitted his defeat and surrendered. "I'm sorry, I'm sorry! I already apologized to Alice. There is no more need for this torture!"
"You won't do this again?!"
"No. I don't want to rip off anyones arm. It just happens. You guys should really write to Neca about your structural integrity." That earned Edward another wap with the arm. "Ow! I won't do it again! I promise." Jasper seemed to be appeased by this statement and the fact that he just gave Edward a gargantuan ass kicking. Edward got up from the floor and proceeded to help Jasper reattach his arm just like he did for Alice.
After that the brothers took some time talking and catching up on things. All seemed to be forgiven on both sides as they continued their laughing and witty banter. You would never know that they were killing each other just a minute ago. I started to feel concerned that maybe they are bi polar or something. But then, all of a sudden, I felt completely confident about both of their mental states and was very happy that they both worked out their differences. It's a really good day. Wow, my emotions are all over the place today. Strange.

Edward then convinced Jasper to go on hunting trip promising that the chipmunk and squirrel population is choice. Jasper jumped at the idea and the boys quickly made a bet to see who could get the biggest chipmunk. I wished them good luck as they ran off out the back door toward the fields and trees behind the house. But before they made it off the deck they were greeted by someone else was coming back inside.

"Aw. What a cute Pomeranian."
Edward sighs deeply. "Yeah. That's Derek."
"Wait. This is the thing you thought was a werewolf?! Seriously?"
Edward hangs head in embarrassment. "Yeah."
Jasper looks from Edward to Derek and back to Edward. "Dumb ass."


TooMuchCoffee said...

OMG, too funny! That pic of Derek is so cute. What a little fluff ball. :-)

Dangrdafne said...

OME!!! I should not have read this at work. Trying to stifle laughter just hurts and with a head cold it is even worse. Oh god that was funny. Derek is toooo cute too!

TongueTwied said...

I've got tears streaming down my face from all this. I'm glad I'm not the only one that plays with their Edward doll--though your Edward is WAY MORE active than mine!
Good Lord, please tell me you write fanfiction too!

KG said...

oh my GOSH!! i neeeeeed to get a Jasper doll! this was hilarious. you have a wondeful imagination! and i wanna snuggle Derek!

Living with Edward said...

@TongueTwied: I don't have any fanfiction, although the idea has been floating around in my head. I'm not really a writer and have a hard time writing conflict and resolution in an interesting way. However, if I do decide to pick it up, crackfic may be my thing. haha.

17foreverlisa said...

LMAO!!! Your posts just get funnier and funnier, girlie. I love everything about this one. I agree with KG. I totally want a Jasper doll!


TongueTwied said...

You're not a writer? Well you are certainly a storyteller...try the writing! You might surprise yourself!

Musing Bella said...

LMFAO at this post!!! This is my new favorite thing ever. I LURVE the pics of Jasper beating Edward with his own arm. OME, was that funny - I'm crying now, that's how funny you are.

TongueTwied said...

hey i just added you to my blogroll...sorry i meant to do it sooner. I've got 20 things going on at once and then Rob fantasies get in the way of that. So anyways can't wait for your next post!