Sunday, March 14, 2010

Edward Has a Stalker

I have some news that may be disturbing to some of you. I know Edward is not the happiest little vamp in town at the moment. You see, there have been some strange occurrences the past few weeks that at first I thought may be just coincidental but now have proven to possibly be a serious threat to Edward. Someone, or should I say something, is following Edward and watching him very closely. The scariest part for Edward is that he can't hear the mind of this creature, well because it has no mind, so it can easily sneak up on him without giving any notice of any kind. At this point Edward is completely unsure of what to do. He doesn't want to revert back to his old ways and just destroy the creature especially without being sure of it's motives first. Let me show you what exactly I am talking about.

The first occurrence happened at work. I asked Edward if he could please get me a roll of pennies out of my coin vault. He happily went to get it, but when he opened the door there was a very unexpected visitor.

I heard Edward's frightened gasp and came over to see what shocked him so much, after all that is something that never happens. Edward asked me what it was. I told him that I had no idea. He took a moment to think about how to proceed then went into the coin vault very quickly, grabbed the roll of pennies, then with lightening speed ran out and slammed the door. Edward was very happy to come out unscathed.

The second "visitation" happened about a week later. Edward was at church with me, minding his own business adjusting the EQ settings on the sound board. Edward has a very good ear when it comes to sound settings. Anyway, while Edward was adjusting some of the vocal levels he noticed someone watching him.
"You again? How did you get here? How did you know I would be here?" Of course, Edward got no answer from the mysterious creature who seems to be some kind of strange voyeur. It stayed, watching Edward, for a few more minutes until it disappeared while Edward wasn't looking. Edward then scoured the whole church looking for where it went but found no evidence of it's presence anywhere. This is where Edward started to feel concerned about the situation.
A few days later, we were at the cafe inside Wegman's grocery store. When I sat down to eat I let Edward out of my purse to walk around a bit. After a few minutes of Edward's vampy chit chat he hopped on the window ledge next to our booth and quickly hid behind a corner.
"Gah! He's back! How does he keep showing up like this? What do you want from me?!" Again, Edward received no answer from the stack of money with the penetrating gaze. Edward started to get scared. I have never seen him actually frightened before. It broke my heart to see hm that way so I grabbed my sub sandwich, scooped up Edward and got him the hell out of there. He was very appreciative of my heroics.
Then the emails started. Edward's inbox was bombarded with messages discussing the differences between full tort and limited tort car insurance. Edward was very perturbed by these emails. "I don't even have a car!" Some of the emails were a bit more aggressive and harassing saying things like I'm watching you, and I know you are trying to hide from me and it won't work. Edward quickly changed his email address and reset all his passwords.
This past week I took my car to get an oil change. Since I don't trust too many mechanics the one I go to is about 20 miles away from my home. When Edward and I walked into the lobby of the shop there was someone already there waiting for him.
"Look! He followed me all the way to Emmaus!" I immediately opened my purse and told Edward to get in so that he didn't have to fall victim to his stalker's scare tactics. Edward didn't waste any time climbing in. However he did give me some instruction. "Stare at him intimidatingly." I did as Edward asked and periodically gave the stalker angry glares hoping to communicate that he better not mess with my vampire.
Edward's paranoia has sky rocketed. He has become very clingy and refuses to be left alone except for when he has to hunt, which has been more often. At least the stalker has not shown up at our house or Edward would probably have us move immediately. At one point Edward tried to convince me to change car insurance holders. I told him absolutely not. That I was very happy with my provider and if my insurance was the problem then the thing would be stalking me not him. He agreed that that was probably correct. Edward has been living in fear for the past month and it is completely heartbreaking. I wish there was something I could do to resolve this problem.


TooMuchCoffee said...

Poor Edward! But maybe the money is just attracted to him because of his intoxicating vamp-scent. Or maybe because of his musical voice...? Maybe the stalker doesn't harbor any ill will towards Edward but simply wants to bask in his presence, just like so many of us.
If I could, I would stalk Edward. Just sayin'...

KG said...

oh Edward, thats just the money you could be saving on car insurance by switching to Geico! its okay! silly overreacting plastic vampire. hehehehe

Living with Edward said...

@Coffee: Stalking Edward would be a good time.

@KG: hahahhahaha