Tuesday, March 2, 2010

Edward Has Gone Too Far

Edward was a very bad vamp this week. I just don't know what to do anymore. I am so nice to him. I take him places with me. I got him a pet, that he adores by the way. I make sure that he is well entertained with movies and reading material and fun activities. Not to mention sometimes staying up too late to spend time with him so he isn't bored as long while everyone is asleep. And what do I get in return? Edward trying to kill my dog!!! Maybe kill is a bit strong of a word. Perhaps create a strong physical discomfort while also causing high fatigue and irratic behaviour. However, if left alone would result in death...........at some point. Ok, I'll just explain it.

The other day, I was going through my normal routine of getting ready to leave. I gave Derek his food in the kitchen and went back upstairs to get my things. When I came back down, I found this!

This is Edward throwing Derek's food away in the trash! I was so angry. And then Edward had the audacity to get angry. It was not pretty. Here is the gist of our little throw down minus the lewd name calling and momma bashing.

Me: "Edward, why the hell are you throwing away Derek's food?!"

Edward: "If he won't let me eat, I won't let him eat!"

Me: "Derek won't let you eat? The 6 pound pomeranian with no teeth and an incredible amount of apathy won't let the vampire eat?"

Edward: "No, the werewolf who would much rather the vampire die won't let me eat."

Me: " Ughh. How did Derek not let you eat?"

Edward: "Well, the other day, you were taking a nap and that thing wanted to go outside, so I thought to be nice to you, I would let him out for you. I accompanied him outside because if you would have gotten up and saw me inside and the werewolf outside alone, I know you would have been suspicous and just started yelling at me. While outside, I saw a squirrel in the yard and decided that it would be a good time to feed, save me a trip later. So, I prepared myself to lunge and then the werewolf saw the squirrel and went after it first and chased it away! He deliberatly chased away my food. He is trying to starve me! Therefore, an eye for and eye."

Me: "Edward, first of all, Derek is NOT A WEREWOLF!! Second of all, dogs like to chase squirrels. Didn't you watch the movie "Up"? You need to stop all of this. It is completely insane! Derek is just a dog. Give it up already."

Edward: "The only reason you don't think Derek is a werewolf is because a fictional dog chased a fictional squirrel in a movie?"

This put me totally over the edge. I was livid.

Me: "Edward, you will not do anything to cause any kind of harm or discomfort of any kind to Derek ever again!! If you do, there will be enormous consequenses to bear. Now go get in my purse so we can leave for work or I will rip off your head and set it on fire so that your body will have to endure eternity searching the earth for a head that doesn't exist!!"

Edward took my threat seriously and complied. He has been very quiet since then. I don't know if he is still scheming or is just too scared to say anything to anger me so he doesn't have to live a headless life. I'm at my wits end dealing with him. I'm pretty sure he is done listening to me about Derek being just a dog. However, I think I know just the person he might listen to......


TooMuchCoffee said...

Hmmm...now I have to see who it is Edward might listen to. I'm curious.

What if you locked him in Barbie's dream mansion for a while? A little solitary confinement might do the trick...

Living with Edward said...

I've tried locking him up before. It didn't work out too well. If you check November's posts you can see. And he might enjoy Barbies dream mansion too much.

17foreverlisa said...

LMAO!! Once again, your post is hilarious, but I always crack up the most because your werewolf...er...mongrel...er...dog has a "human" name, which freaks Edward out.

Michelleh123321 said...

I can't believe Edward tried to throw away Derrick's food. How rude! And I agree with TooMuchCoffee, I can't wait to find out who Edward will listen to. Maybe it's Uncle Larry...

Living with Edward said...

Uncle Larry! Hahahahahhahahhahahahahhahhahah!!!