Monday, November 23, 2009

You have got to be kidding me!

Before I get into what the latest is, I would like to take this chance just to give a little warning advice to anyone with a mini Edward. Do not try to imprison your mini Edward. Bad things will happen. A little do as I say, not as I do advice. I gess I should have known this would happen, but he is just so mini that you wouldn't think that he is capable of stuff like this. Oh well, my bad.

Anyway, Edward and I did not resolve our litte "werewolf" issue quickly at all. But I did manage to find my camera before I found out what he was talking about. It was a week after Edward's imprisonment, and Shawshank Redemption impression, that I came accross it doing some tidying up. He put it somewhere so obvious that I probably wouldn't think of it. And I didn't. I thought it was somewhere up high or in a dark corner of the attic or something. Or maybe in a Volvo somewhere. He had it tucked away in the thermos of my Edward lunch box. Hmmm, I wonder what would happen if I tried to lock Edward in the Edward luch box. Would he break something that had his georgous face on it? Do I want to sacrifice my Edward lunch box to find out? No.


He wasn't happy that I found it, that's for sure. I was scared that he may try to find another way to convince me that I need to get rid of the "werewolf" or else. So istead of waiting to find what creative, irritating measures Edward would take, I thought I just might try and talk to him. They say kill them with kindness, so that was my approach. Edward will be more plesent if I am, so what could I loose. I decided to catch him after a hunting trip. I thought that he would be more resonable on a full, satisfied stomach. (I still feel bad for the poor chipmunk or squirrel that gets it everytime he goes outside)


I started by asking him how his trip was. He said "fun". He seemed to be in a good enough mood. I decided to get right into it. He can read my mind after all.

Corrinne: "Edward, I have decided not to get rid of the "werewolf". First reason being, I don't have one. Second, if there is one here, it doesn't seem to be doing any harm to cast such a concern. Therefore, you loose, and I found my camera." (ok, I know it's not so nice and kind sounding, although that being my intention. Oh well, my bad, again)

Edward:.......angry stare..........small growl.......another angry stare....."Why must you do this to me? Is this why you brought me to live here? To torture me?"

Corrinne: "No, I don't want to torture you. I thought we would have fun, but you insist on being a party pooper all the time. I don't get it. How come everyone else's Edwards' are so much more nice and fun than you?"

Edward: "Other people probably don't force their Edwards' to live with a werewolf!!"

Corrinne: "O...M...G! There is no stinking werewolf!!"

Edward: "Then what do you call that?!" (points to something that is definatly not a werewolf)


I was in such shock that I couldn't form a coherant sentence. This is my dog, Derek. He is a 6 pound pomeranian. Can vampires get high on crack? Just sayin. The whole two months that Edward has been here, this has been his problem, a "werewolf". How can he think Derek is a werewolf? Edward's not the sparkliest vampire in the meadow, is he? I wanted to know his reasoning behind his theory. Here it is. Derek has a human name, smells like a dog, hangs his tongue to the side in a wolfy grin and responds to the english language. I used to be a dog trainer, so Derek is very well educated for a dog. Edward did not find that a good excuse. He has a human name because I didn't name him, the breeder did. Edward replied, "Of course you didn't name him. You don't name other people's children!" (facepalm) Oh for crying out loud. I think my Edward may be defective. It certainly didn't end there. Um, he smells like a dog because he is a dog. No big revelation there. But of course, there was no convincing Edward of that. And as for his tongue hanging out in a wolfy grin, Derek has periodontal disease, so he only has 3 teeth left, so there are no teeth to hold his tongue in his mouth. It is quite sad. Edward said. "Periodontal disease? I doubt that. He probably lost his teeth in a fight with a vampire." (repeat facepalm) Then I thought of something that should solve this really quick. I asked Edward if he could read Derek's mind..ha..that should get him. Edward: "...er.....uh...he's mentaly slow." (my face was so red because of how many times my palm hit it) This discussion went on for about an hour. It was very tiring. In the end Edward decided that I truly believe that Derek is not a werewolf, and does not hold his hostility toward me anymore because he knows now that I was not trying to be malicious with making him live with Derek. He just thinks that I am very naive and need to be convinced of Derek's werewolfyness. Edward also thinks that I need to be protcected from Derek. This is what happened when Edward thougth that Derek was getting too close.






I stopped him before he got real aggressive. We had some words when Edward finally calmed down.
Corrinne: Edward, you can't attack the dog under ANY circumstances!"
Edward: "He was getting way too close to you. It was dangerous!"
Corrinne: "I wanted him to. I snuggle the dog all the time."
Edward: "That's disgusting! How can you not see that he is a werewolf? He was able to knock me down! Explain that!"
Corrinne: "Uh...let's see...you way about 4 ounces. A gold fish could knock you over."
Edward: ...impatient sigh.....to Derek.."Watch yourself. I don't know what your plan here is, but I will expose you."
Derek: .........sleeps.......
Corrinne: "Watch out Edward. Don't anger the dog or he might transform into a giant indian." (heavy sarcasm)
Edward: "That's not funny" ......leaves room.....
I thought it was funny.




Friday, November 13, 2009

Shenanigans

I told you that I would tell you about some of the things Edward does to, for lack of better words, irritate me. It doesn't seem that he wants to be malicous, but rather just being kind of petty for no particular reason. I think he is bummed about something. Not to sure, but anyway, here is just the tip of the ice burg.

While out at local restuarant with a friend, I mentioned that i felt a little tired and wanted a pick me up. So Edward thought it would be funny to recommend coffe to me. He KNOWS I hate coffee. Ok, I know that doesn't seem so bad, but it was the attitude in which he said it. I know that sounds all junior high lame drama, but that's just what Edward does to me.




I mentioned in an earlier post that we would be taking Edward on a trip to michigan with us. We go every year to visit my dad and tought Edward would enjoy the change of pace. Edward was excited about the trip, until we got in the car and left. He was a bit irriated the whole time we were there. The time of year we go up happens to be the best salmon fishing season there, also. People catch huge salmon like crazy there. Usually like 5 day. Well, this year, no one was catching anything. They just weren't biting and nobody could figure out why....the town was in an uproar...I've never seen so many disgruntled rednecks!

Anyway, one of the last days there, we were fishing again, and still nothing. So Edward thought he would be devilish. All of the sudden he jumps off the pier, and 7 seconds later comes back with this!


It looks like a whale compared to him. It was 18 pounds. I can't even do that math to figure out how much more times his body weight that is. He just pulled it out of the water. Show-off. Now he is always like, "At least I caught a salmon." Congradulations Edward.
One day I came home from work and found Edward throwing all of, my dog, Derek's toys around. He made a total mess of them for no reason. I asked him why later and he looked at me, made a little huff noise and walked away. After a few hours, he came to see what I was watching on tv. When he came in the room, I told him that there was something on that would be very benificial for him to see. I had his attention, then flipped the channel to Dr Phil....Edward was not amused.....but I thought it was hilarious.



While at work, Edward found my happy place. Yes, that is a huge drawer of candy, white cheddar popcorn, chexmix and granola bars. I really look like a piggy now, but I do share it with all of my co workers. It's like the prize drawer at the dentist.

So Edward jumped in and procceded to deny my access to my yummy delicous treats all day. Every time I tried, he would cover up the candy and snap at me. I thought that was a bit over the line. No need to be all dramatic over candy, sheesh. I deal with A LOT of dumb and mean people. Delicous treats are a nesesity for dealing with these kinds of social interacions.....needless to say it was a stressfull day.



"No candy for you!"

So now I will give you his latest and greatest feat. My dog was doing something really cute, so I went to get my camera and it was gone. It is always in my purse and I didn't use it for a few days so I didn't take it out. I looked in a couple more places but there is nowhere else I would put it. I thought that maybe my husband took it to work, so I called him, but no answer, so I would have to wait for him to be free to call me back. While I waited, I decided to check my email. When I turned on my laptop, this photo was now my wall paper:


Look at him....little bugger took his own picture. There was a note with the photo saying "If you want your camera back you will have to get rid of the werewolf for good!!" Werewolf??? WTF is he talking about? I don't have a Jacob action figure hiding around here. And if I did, it would only be used to take pictures of Edward finging creative ways to torture it so it probably wouldn't bother him that much. I quickly went to Edward and asked him what this little tantrum was all about. Here is how the conversaition went:
Corrinne: "Edward! Where is my camera?"
Edward: "I told you how to get it back. I can not live like this anymore."
Corrinne:"O..K...How am I supposed to get rid of a werewolf when I don't have a werewolf?"
Edward:"I am not stupid! I know a werewolf when I see one!"
Corrinne:"Well, I don't see one, so just give me the camera and we can totally forget that you have lost your mind and then we can get back to normal."
Edward:"I will gladly give you the camera........get rid of the mongrel!!"
This is where I decided to give Edward a time out.

And this is where he will stay until I get my camera back.