Sunday, December 27, 2009

Introducing Billward

So we decided to do a play at our church for Christmas this year. My brother-in-law and I wrote it, so it was absolutely hilarious. We like to do things a bit differently at our church. Anyway, we had a family in the script that called for a father, however all the guys willing to act had already been asigned other parts so we had to improvise our father. I had the bright idea of having a cardboard cut out and putting, America's favorite sitcom dad ever, Bill Cosby's face on it. So naturally I put myself in charge of aquiring said cardboard cutout and was thrilled that I finally had an excuse to purchase my own FSE. (Full Size Edward for those of you who live under a rock.) So, without further delay, I would like to introduce you to Billward!


He did great. Got a lot of laughs when the kids had to carry him around the stage. He was a big hit with the ladies, too.

Friday, December 25, 2009

Santa Was Good To Me

I wasn't expecting much for Christmas this year. Suspecting the usual I guess. You know, the gift card to the store you like, or pair of slippers, chocolate, maybe a hoodie. I really wanted a Nintendo Wii, but I know there was no way that was going to happen....that I'm going to have to save up for and buy myself. So on Christmas Eve, I was handed a present that appeared to be some sort of frame. I had no idea what to expect. I opened it and my jaw dropped. I was told that it took month to track down, but finally made it's way.......an autographed photo of Robert Pattinson! I could not believe it. I never even thought to ask for it. I felt so warm and fuzzy inside that someone would have thought of that for me. My thanks and gratitude are huge. Yay.


Here is little Edward and Vlad with my new most prized possesion. Now, if anyone comes near it, they will be met with growls and snarls and fury like no other. And who knows what Edward and Vlad might do......

Sunday, December 13, 2009

Edward's New Pet

After Edward's new pet got a bit aquainted with his surroundings, Edward approached the little bat cautiously to evaluate his personality. Edward had no idea what to expect.

Yep, he was definately taking the anylitical approach to this, which is what I was afraid of. Edward was gabbing on and on about possible behavour traits and issues that we may not have thought about when purchasing this bat. Or even a check for rabies, which could prove to be very dangerous for me. I told Edward that rabies should not be a concern considering the undeadness of the bat. Does Edward still have spanish influenza in his undead state? Eventually I just told Edward to knock it off and stop thinking about stupid things and think about something more important, like what to name the little bat. Edward contemplated for a moment......looked at the bat.....then it happened.....what I was hoping for.....just that one little look.....you know, that look when a little boy sees a puppy for the first time and both the boy and the puppy look at eachother with longing in their eyes, and you know that they will be inseparable for eternity or until one of them dies?.....

That look was all it took for Edward to fall in love with the little guy. He wasn't the same after that. Not another anyitical word came out of his mouth. Thank God! It was really getting old. I let him have a minute to mull over his feelings for what was going on before I interupted him.

Corrinne:"So, Edward, what is his name going to be?"

Edward:"Um, what?..Oh, um,....I think Vlad. That seems appropriate."

Corrinne:"Vlad it is." (for those of you who are unfamiliar with Vlad, you can google it!)

After that, Vlad went on to show Edward some of his skills. Edward stood there impressed with his new little companion, excited making plans for places to take him, hunting trips, going for walks, teaching him tricks, etc. He just seemed so......happy. It was nice.








While Edward played with Vlad, Derek came into the room demanding my attention. Like the good doggy mother I am, I happily played some tug-o-war/fetch with him. Edward watched as I laughed and Derek ran around all happy. Edward appeared to have a slight (notice I said Slight) appologetic look on his face.
Edward:"I think I can understand, or at least try to in this situation."
Corrinne:"Edward, that's all I ask."

Friday, December 4, 2009

Edward Gets a Pet

Since Edward and I had our little chat about the "werewolf" in question, things have been much better. Edward has lost his hostility toward me and is much more pleasant. However, my constant close contact with Derek does make him sad. I wish Edward would understand that my relationship with the dog does not make me care about him any less. Maybe if Edward understood my relationship with Derek better, then maybe he would be less hurt by it. That's when I got the idea that changed Edward's life. Edward needs a pet.

I brought the idea to him and he seemed intrigued but reluctant at the same time. Edward is not comfortable with the unknown. "I've never had a pet before. Perhaps it will be.....an educational experiance." Ok, so Edward was going to look at this anylitacly and miss the point of the experiment. I was hoping more for him being excited about forming a bond with his pet. Maybe he just needed to get one first, then see what happens. So off we went to the local Target to look for a suitable companion for the little vampire.


As soon as we got there, I was quite intimidated by the task. What is a good pet for a vampire, and not just any vampire, what is a good pet for Edward. Hmmmm....I guess we start with the most common pet first. How about a puppy? Everyone likes puppies.....


"Oh, for the love of all that is holy! What did I just step in?"

Ok, so Edward wasn't really feelin' the puppies. Maybe a conventional pet wasn't the way to go. Edward agreed and we kept looking. That is when he spotted it. He got really excited and ran to it hopping up and down like a little kid going "oo, oo..this one!"

Edward, no. That is not a pet, it's a monster. Not to mention that it's friggin HUGE! And will probably try to eat you. Next. "I'll take care of it, I swear" Next. Edward walks away sad and dejected. Then the smarty pants thinks he found a good compromise.

"Look, it's smaller. That will work.." No, Edward, it won't. You are not getting a dinosaur for a pet. Keep looking. "Fine."
Edward's next find wasn't any better. I found him in the next isle petting this little monster. "This one is way smaller. I'm even taller than it, and I think he likes me. Good dragon." Edward, you can't get a dra...He cut me off. "You said that I could not have a dinosaur. This is a dragon. It's completely different." It's still a giant lizard. Ok, new rule. You can't get a giant lizard, or a small lizard. Nothing in the lizard family. He looked really sad then like I crushed all his dreams. I assured him that we would find something perfect and encouaged him to keep looking.
Edward then took a moment to do a Billy Madison impression. "Stop looking at me, swan!" Hmmm..that line should have been in Twilight when Bella was staring at Edward in the cafeteria...I would have laughed.


As the search continued, it didn' t get any easier. It's not easy finding suitable animal companions for vampires. I didn't realize how difficult this was going to be. We found something that may have been hopeful but Edward was more cautious of it. "What is it? A deer? A rabbit? Why is it smirking at me? Does it have magical powers? I don't know whether to hunt it or fear it." So we moved on.


Then I thought I found something perfect. Edward you like lions right? They have a cute little lion here. "I LOVE lions!!" Edward came running, and then....."Mmmmmm"

Alive minis Lion Cub....not anymore. Edward, how could you do that? "What? The box says Try Me. So I did, and it was delicious!" This may have been my fault. Oops.. Ok, so nothing Edward can feed on. We should continue.


Edward was getting a little bored of the task, due to lack of success, and got distracted for a bit. "Can we get this instead? I think I will be happy with this. Is there another color?"

Since when is Edward Cullen a quitter? That got him moving again. He sighed and got back to his search. And I swear, this guy would not know practicle if it slapped him in the face.
"Megatron!! Please?!!"
Edward, that is a robot, not a pet. "It's not a lizard.." I was getting very tired and was about to quit myself and just give into his impracticality and buy Megatron and call it a day. But then I spotted it. The perfect pet for Edward. He saw my thoughts and went to the said pet to investigate. After looking at it for a few minutes, he looked at me and gave me a quick nod telling to procceed with purchasing what he said was probably the best probable choice.
When we got home, I took Edward's new pet out of his packaging and let him roam around a bit and get aquanted with the surroundings much like I did with Edward when he first got here.
Here he is. A little vampire bat. It's the right size. Edward won't have to go out of his way to feed it, he can just feed with it. He won't be apposed to sharing with something so small. And it won't be making any messes for Edward to clean up, or me getting stuck doing it. After all, it only makes sense that undead people should have undead pets.









Monday, November 23, 2009

You have got to be kidding me!

Before I get into what the latest is, I would like to take this chance just to give a little warning advice to anyone with a mini Edward. Do not try to imprison your mini Edward. Bad things will happen. A little do as I say, not as I do advice. I gess I should have known this would happen, but he is just so mini that you wouldn't think that he is capable of stuff like this. Oh well, my bad.

Anyway, Edward and I did not resolve our litte "werewolf" issue quickly at all. But I did manage to find my camera before I found out what he was talking about. It was a week after Edward's imprisonment, and Shawshank Redemption impression, that I came accross it doing some tidying up. He put it somewhere so obvious that I probably wouldn't think of it. And I didn't. I thought it was somewhere up high or in a dark corner of the attic or something. Or maybe in a Volvo somewhere. He had it tucked away in the thermos of my Edward lunch box. Hmmm, I wonder what would happen if I tried to lock Edward in the Edward luch box. Would he break something that had his georgous face on it? Do I want to sacrifice my Edward lunch box to find out? No.


He wasn't happy that I found it, that's for sure. I was scared that he may try to find another way to convince me that I need to get rid of the "werewolf" or else. So istead of waiting to find what creative, irritating measures Edward would take, I thought I just might try and talk to him. They say kill them with kindness, so that was my approach. Edward will be more plesent if I am, so what could I loose. I decided to catch him after a hunting trip. I thought that he would be more resonable on a full, satisfied stomach. (I still feel bad for the poor chipmunk or squirrel that gets it everytime he goes outside)


I started by asking him how his trip was. He said "fun". He seemed to be in a good enough mood. I decided to get right into it. He can read my mind after all.

Corrinne: "Edward, I have decided not to get rid of the "werewolf". First reason being, I don't have one. Second, if there is one here, it doesn't seem to be doing any harm to cast such a concern. Therefore, you loose, and I found my camera." (ok, I know it's not so nice and kind sounding, although that being my intention. Oh well, my bad, again)

Edward:.......angry stare..........small growl.......another angry stare....."Why must you do this to me? Is this why you brought me to live here? To torture me?"

Corrinne: "No, I don't want to torture you. I thought we would have fun, but you insist on being a party pooper all the time. I don't get it. How come everyone else's Edwards' are so much more nice and fun than you?"

Edward: "Other people probably don't force their Edwards' to live with a werewolf!!"

Corrinne: "O...M...G! There is no stinking werewolf!!"

Edward: "Then what do you call that?!" (points to something that is definatly not a werewolf)


I was in such shock that I couldn't form a coherant sentence. This is my dog, Derek. He is a 6 pound pomeranian. Can vampires get high on crack? Just sayin. The whole two months that Edward has been here, this has been his problem, a "werewolf". How can he think Derek is a werewolf? Edward's not the sparkliest vampire in the meadow, is he? I wanted to know his reasoning behind his theory. Here it is. Derek has a human name, smells like a dog, hangs his tongue to the side in a wolfy grin and responds to the english language. I used to be a dog trainer, so Derek is very well educated for a dog. Edward did not find that a good excuse. He has a human name because I didn't name him, the breeder did. Edward replied, "Of course you didn't name him. You don't name other people's children!" (facepalm) Oh for crying out loud. I think my Edward may be defective. It certainly didn't end there. Um, he smells like a dog because he is a dog. No big revelation there. But of course, there was no convincing Edward of that. And as for his tongue hanging out in a wolfy grin, Derek has periodontal disease, so he only has 3 teeth left, so there are no teeth to hold his tongue in his mouth. It is quite sad. Edward said. "Periodontal disease? I doubt that. He probably lost his teeth in a fight with a vampire." (repeat facepalm) Then I thought of something that should solve this really quick. I asked Edward if he could read Derek's mind..ha..that should get him. Edward: "...er.....uh...he's mentaly slow." (my face was so red because of how many times my palm hit it) This discussion went on for about an hour. It was very tiring. In the end Edward decided that I truly believe that Derek is not a werewolf, and does not hold his hostility toward me anymore because he knows now that I was not trying to be malicious with making him live with Derek. He just thinks that I am very naive and need to be convinced of Derek's werewolfyness. Edward also thinks that I need to be protcected from Derek. This is what happened when Edward thougth that Derek was getting too close.






I stopped him before he got real aggressive. We had some words when Edward finally calmed down.
Corrinne: Edward, you can't attack the dog under ANY circumstances!"
Edward: "He was getting way too close to you. It was dangerous!"
Corrinne: "I wanted him to. I snuggle the dog all the time."
Edward: "That's disgusting! How can you not see that he is a werewolf? He was able to knock me down! Explain that!"
Corrinne: "Uh...let's see...you way about 4 ounces. A gold fish could knock you over."
Edward: ...impatient sigh.....to Derek.."Watch yourself. I don't know what your plan here is, but I will expose you."
Derek: .........sleeps.......
Corrinne: "Watch out Edward. Don't anger the dog or he might transform into a giant indian." (heavy sarcasm)
Edward: "That's not funny" ......leaves room.....
I thought it was funny.




Friday, November 13, 2009

Shenanigans

I told you that I would tell you about some of the things Edward does to, for lack of better words, irritate me. It doesn't seem that he wants to be malicous, but rather just being kind of petty for no particular reason. I think he is bummed about something. Not to sure, but anyway, here is just the tip of the ice burg.

While out at local restuarant with a friend, I mentioned that i felt a little tired and wanted a pick me up. So Edward thought it would be funny to recommend coffe to me. He KNOWS I hate coffee. Ok, I know that doesn't seem so bad, but it was the attitude in which he said it. I know that sounds all junior high lame drama, but that's just what Edward does to me.




I mentioned in an earlier post that we would be taking Edward on a trip to michigan with us. We go every year to visit my dad and tought Edward would enjoy the change of pace. Edward was excited about the trip, until we got in the car and left. He was a bit irriated the whole time we were there. The time of year we go up happens to be the best salmon fishing season there, also. People catch huge salmon like crazy there. Usually like 5 day. Well, this year, no one was catching anything. They just weren't biting and nobody could figure out why....the town was in an uproar...I've never seen so many disgruntled rednecks!

Anyway, one of the last days there, we were fishing again, and still nothing. So Edward thought he would be devilish. All of the sudden he jumps off the pier, and 7 seconds later comes back with this!


It looks like a whale compared to him. It was 18 pounds. I can't even do that math to figure out how much more times his body weight that is. He just pulled it out of the water. Show-off. Now he is always like, "At least I caught a salmon." Congradulations Edward.
One day I came home from work and found Edward throwing all of, my dog, Derek's toys around. He made a total mess of them for no reason. I asked him why later and he looked at me, made a little huff noise and walked away. After a few hours, he came to see what I was watching on tv. When he came in the room, I told him that there was something on that would be very benificial for him to see. I had his attention, then flipped the channel to Dr Phil....Edward was not amused.....but I thought it was hilarious.



While at work, Edward found my happy place. Yes, that is a huge drawer of candy, white cheddar popcorn, chexmix and granola bars. I really look like a piggy now, but I do share it with all of my co workers. It's like the prize drawer at the dentist.

So Edward jumped in and procceded to deny my access to my yummy delicous treats all day. Every time I tried, he would cover up the candy and snap at me. I thought that was a bit over the line. No need to be all dramatic over candy, sheesh. I deal with A LOT of dumb and mean people. Delicous treats are a nesesity for dealing with these kinds of social interacions.....needless to say it was a stressfull day.



"No candy for you!"

So now I will give you his latest and greatest feat. My dog was doing something really cute, so I went to get my camera and it was gone. It is always in my purse and I didn't use it for a few days so I didn't take it out. I looked in a couple more places but there is nowhere else I would put it. I thought that maybe my husband took it to work, so I called him, but no answer, so I would have to wait for him to be free to call me back. While I waited, I decided to check my email. When I turned on my laptop, this photo was now my wall paper:


Look at him....little bugger took his own picture. There was a note with the photo saying "If you want your camera back you will have to get rid of the werewolf for good!!" Werewolf??? WTF is he talking about? I don't have a Jacob action figure hiding around here. And if I did, it would only be used to take pictures of Edward finging creative ways to torture it so it probably wouldn't bother him that much. I quickly went to Edward and asked him what this little tantrum was all about. Here is how the conversaition went:
Corrinne: "Edward! Where is my camera?"
Edward: "I told you how to get it back. I can not live like this anymore."
Corrinne:"O..K...How am I supposed to get rid of a werewolf when I don't have a werewolf?"
Edward:"I am not stupid! I know a werewolf when I see one!"
Corrinne:"Well, I don't see one, so just give me the camera and we can totally forget that you have lost your mind and then we can get back to normal."
Edward:"I will gladly give you the camera........get rid of the mongrel!!"
This is where I decided to give Edward a time out.

And this is where he will stay until I get my camera back.





Thursday, October 29, 2009

Oh happy day

Edward is very exited. He has his New Moon tickets all ready for the midnight show on Nov. 20th. I'm glad he's exited about something. He has been a real pill lately. Like, for example, he will sit next to me while i'm watching a movie or doing whatever at home and periodically he will growl, not at me, just growl. WTF? I have no idea what I did to offend him. I will have to catch you up on his shananigans around here. It's hard to complain about him when he is always near me. I don't understand, if he dislikes it here so much and is a jerk to me all the time, why he doesn't leave my side. I'm lucky now, he's out hunting. Spoke to soon, he's back. Talk to you later.



Friday, October 16, 2009

On the next Ghost Hunters!

Edward Cullen guest stars!



















"You will never spook Bella again!"

Tuesday, October 13, 2009

I find Edward's aversion to food very interesting. So I thought I would share a bit about what he does when there is food around. It is strange seeing someone turn his nose to all food and never eat. Sometimes his reactions make me laugh. Sometimes he gets annoyed at when I laugh at things that are part of his instinct and behavior. Then I remind him of his laughter when I have to sqint to see something far away, or drop something, or trip up the stairs, or knock something of my dresser, or jump when I didn't know someone was there......hmmmm....little bugger laughs at me a lot. Edward is really becoming quite the little punk. Anyway......




While looking at the plate, Edward was reminded of the last time he ate pizza. This didn't make me laugh, though. It made me say "awwww.." Then he made this soft little deep sound. I think it was supposed to be a growl. Didn't sound very tough to me.






















Here he is just totally disgusted. I have to admit that the picture does not do this pasta creation of leftovers any justice. Edward says "ew".
























Edward thought it would be fun to show that inhaling pepper doesn't make him sneeze. As if that constitutes superiority. Whatever, Edward. But can you walk out in the sun without looking fruity????? Didn't think so...

























Edward doesn't understand why people choose chemically modified carcinogens to real ingrediants that the body can actually break down and metabolize. I have to agree with him here. Sorry if any Sweet n Low fans are offended by Edward's opinion on the matter <---Added for political correctness.. yuck.






















I caught Edward investigating my popcorn at work. He was going to reach in and grab some, but I stopped him. This is a bank, so touching lots of germy things is an all day thing.


























Edward actually agreed with me that this was a good idea. I was shocked.
Clean hands are happy hands.




















Then he was allowed to play in the popcorn. He tried to explain to me scientifically how popcorn pops. Something about moisture and heat, and expansion or something like that. I wasn't really paying attention. Just eating.

"Here, take this. It's weird."


Monday, October 12, 2009

Sorry

I would just like to send a quick apology for the sloppyness of my posts...still trying to figure out blogger. I've noticed that it really likes to throw you curve balls.

I'm Trying

So I have been trying very hard to get in Edwards's good graces. It hasn't been the easiest thing to do. For the most part, at home, still pretty hostile but he has toned it down a bit. So I have been taking him plenty of places and he is definatly more relaxed when out of the house. I'm really going to have to get to the bottom of that one.

We took my nephew to the pumpkin patch so we decided to take Edward too.. Here he is organizing a buch of gourds.















Here he is rolling around a pumpkin....oviously.














I did take him to church with me, but instead of making him sit through the service I thought it would be good to give him a job to do so he wasn't bored. So I gave him my usual job of doing the sound. To my delight, he loved it. So he started doing that every week.























I manage to take him to work with me everyday. I work at a bank and thought that might be a fun place for Edward to hang out. He could alert us to anyone planning a robbery so it is helpful having him there. This is his first day there. I was at the drive thru, so Edward was enjoying the view of the rain. Once in a while I thought I heard a tiny sigh.















Then we had an auditor show up, so I had to tell Edward to hide. He didn't see the big deal, so I explained to him that a tiny plastic vampire roaming the branch may not seem professional to corporate snobs. His reply to that? "Wearing Etnies sneakers with dress pants may not seem professional, either."
SHUT UP, EDWARD!! He laughed and hid, anyway. He really is a good sport.

















All in all things seem to be looking up....for now.


Friday, October 9, 2009

I guess I should tell you all that I have the best husband in the world. He willfully went out and bought me my own mini Edward and insisted that I take him everywhere with me so that I wouldn't be lonely.......I know...it's hard to believe,, but just one of the perks of having the rare situation of a husband that loves twilight as much as me. I thank the Lord every day and never take it for granted.
I was so excited when I saw mini Edward for the first time and thought about some of the other blogs where girls are having the best time with their Edward and all the fun things they do together. I couldn't wait to take Edward to work, the store, on our trip to michigan, and everywhere else. So I carefully took Edward out of his plastic prison with a pair of scissors.(I was starting to think that I needed the jaws of life for that packaging..sheesh) He seemed moderatly calm when I finally got him out.(curious as to why he just didn't rip his way out, I later found out that he found my struggling with simple objects amusing) Anyway, as I said, he was pretty calm and looked to be enoying himself while checking out his new dwelling space. Even laughing with us a bit. But then, out of no where, his mood shifted to what seemed like furious disgust. I was quickly taken back by his anger and tried to calm him, but he was unresponsive.



It looked like he was taking this agressive, I'm going to make a meal out of you stance. I wasn't quite sure what to make of the situation and how to resolve it becaue he wouldn't tell me what was wrong. That is how the rest of the night went and even the next few days. I did take him to work with me and made a habit of always having him with me. He seems to be a bit better outside of the house. I'm not sure why. I think it is because he is more distracted when engaged in other situations. But that is just a theory right now. I guess I will just have to try to be understanding, however toward what I have no clue, and try to figure it out. Living with Edward isn't as easy as it looked.